words

Parking Lot

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At 7:55 in the evening, while I am trying to calm my veins as they chill from the work space where I came from I am writing in the parking lot with absolute silence inside a car. All I can hear is the palpitation of my heart and the sound of the keys as I type.

I am panting as if I have a limited time to get everything off my chest. These excruciating thoughts of being in the place where I should have been instead of being parked in the middle of this silence. In this silence… yet my thoughts are unruly.  I am gasping for air to breathe.

Oh how I wish I could just leave all the mess the moment I leave this parking lot. If only I could park the negative thoughts and emotions within, right here at bay 3E and just move forward like I heard nothing, like nothing happened, like I never lost a battle, but truth hurts. It hurts more than anything. Yet it is actually freeing.

Can the world really be a better place if everyone were honest? Would it really make a difference? Maybe or maybe not. I tried to be one but I ended up being in a hollow, meddling with the wound of that one word that I now thought as the end of my trying-to-be-honest-at-all-times

I would keep quiet. I won’t say a word. I was caught off guard by that one word. That word that could have been the truth that I cannot just accept. I felt helpless. I thought I fainted to death.

Yet that truth will still hold true, I will come out strong from this struggle. I know that for sure. Avenge your child, Lord.

Avenge me from my own destructive self.
Avenge me from the real enemy.

Moments of Silence

Few words and that’s it.

These days have been rough. I had to drop the words as it is, the way I want it meant, but not everyone was pleased about it. Many were offended and though I was a bit bothered about it, I just have to say it and own what I said. I am fed up of trying to filter what I have to say. I am tired of trying not to offend anyone. This time I have to speak the truth in love, even if it meant “tough love”

I used to not talk so much. I’ve always believed that words should always be carefully spoken. One of the reasons is that, I prefer to write my thoughts. I write to friends about anything. I let them get inside my world through handwritten letters, and I got them writing me back (special thanks to my friends who are not fond of writing yet made an effort to write for the love of friendship. ;)).

Over the years, I was forced to change. My nature of being silent and serene has slowly been torn apart. I had to speak my mind. I had to speak from my heart. Having the privilege of finishing two courses in college was something that helped me overcome my lack of confidence in speaking. I had to, even if I did not want to. Self-confinement was a friend to me.

My voice is something I was never proud of while growing up. I have a monotone type of voice which falls between the low key of c3 and c4. I hate it when people make fun of me because of my voice. I may have appeared that I do not care much but there are times it was all I could ever think of. It lessened my confidence over the past years. But with changing times, I have learned to adapt and love my own. My childhood days were smooth outwardly. I am a typical quiet-yet-knows-how-to-have-fun around friends, a girl who will keep her mouth shut around the conversations of other people even if I have something important to say but that too started to drift to its different course.

Walls of silence started to break when I became full time in the ministry. Without so much knowledge on how to handle small groups, how to speak in front of the congregation, and everything that is related to speaking, I have learned to slowly speak my mind out and just say the words as fluid as I possibly can. I did it! I was able to relate with people without having to write my thoughts first. I was too grateful already even if at the back of my mind, I know this is still less of a better version of me. I still lose confidence once in a while.

But words are words. They can be taken lightly or otherwise. I get it. My voice stays this way no matter how much I try (believe me, I tried to change. Hahaha) but nothing is more comforting than to just accept it and be grateful. There were too many times that I was mistakenly addressed as a man because of my voice over the phone. I do get offended but I just have to laugh it off. To make the matter worse, I also have a gift of having a beautiful “poker face” Do I really have to say beautiful? Yes, that’s my take. People often mistakenly accuse me of being emotionless, heartless, harsh or even unhappy because of my combined power of monotonic voice and plain facial expression. Need I explain more? God, I am so tired of doing so.

People are sure amazed on how I lead, speak and relate to other people. My life surrendered full time in the ministry for 6 years now seems astounding to many. I know about this because they tell me. My father, who is also my pastor has always been proud of me. I am blessed that he is what/who he is. But not everyone knows where I am really coming from, the depths of what I am made of and who I really am. I have friends/sisters who know me from inside out but there is always something to keep, something that stays within the borders of my heart. I bet everyone has that.

It is tiring to trust. To open up myself to somebody who is new in my life is something that will require best effort from me. I started to get used to meeting new faces and being socially acquainted to a lot of them but that does not mean I am in the business of really delving in their personal life and allowing them to be in mine likewise. I read about articles about “things that only nearly-30’s people do and understand” One of them is the fact that this is the age where you decide who to keep and let go in your life. I guess I am in that phase and I am surely being careful.

I am not trying to be boring with my own life. I am actually relearning to trust my own convictions, to be familiar once again with my very nature, that serene and soft-spoken-yet-full-of-life-and-encouragement kind of person that I am. There is so much that I love in life, even the struggles, the turnaround events and changes in my own life but there is this one thing that I want to be and have once again.

The tranquillity and the beauty of staying at peace in this kind of moments of silence.