Thoughts

Free Your Mind

It is not about what you think right now.
It is not about what you feel.
It is not about how many words you can say.
It is not about the music you are listening to.
It is not about where you are right now.
It is not about your situation.
It is not about whom you love.
It is not about whom you hate.
It is not about when you are going to start.
It is not about when you are going to stop.
It is not about how many.
It is not about how much.

It is not even about you.
It is not about me.
It is not about us.

It is not about what the world dictates.
It is not about today.
It is not about the future.

It is about choices.
It is about the truth.

That no matter how we try to live best,
Freeing one’s mind from all the questions in this life
remains a challenge.

How do you free your mind?

Alone and Lonely

These two words best fit what I am feeling now.
It has been 3 weeks of staying home and trying to get better. Being in and out of the hospital to see a doctor is tiring and depressing especially when things are not going well. This week I decided not to go. I opted to just stay at home and try to rest this body. You see, I can survive days of being locked up inside my own room, but not to do the usual things that I do? Oh it makes me feel alone and… now.., lonely.

I know that I can be alone but not lonely but this is where exactly I have found myself in. I may be getting better physically (I assume) but my heart is being torn down. In as much as I’d like to avoid the pollution from outside home, I can also sense it coming from inside my head. There’s just too much pollution all around me.

The worst part of being alone and lonely is that you tend to long for someone or something that nearly does not exist. You may start imagining scenes from a movie happening in your own life, like some kind of a hero will rescue you from your state of loneliness and all of a sudden you will be jumpy and free, and that this turn of event will actually lead you towards the road of a happily ever after chapter of your life. But it is not the way real life goes. We know that for sure.

As I try to endure some lonely days, I realized that sorting out thoughts can still be the toughest for me. I have to battle with myself first thing in the morning. Since I don’t have any clear agenda for a day aside from keep-yourself-inside-home-and-just-relax, my thoughts managed to become more overwhelming than ever. My emotions are just above me and it is draining the life out of me.

I cannot just muster myself into believing that everything will be fine again, that I am not in the middle of the state of depression. Being sick is something that makes me really sick in my head. I cannot just handle being weak because when I am physically down, I am really messed up, and I will (most of the time) long for someone to look after me. I may have a strong personality but when I’m sick, I am clingy, just like that.

I know people always have something to say. They all have their well wishes, the encouragement and all the love they have for me and I appreciate it all but today no one can completely understand this very heart of mine, now that I am by myself, alone and lonely.

To Wait and Stay In Love

Do not awaken love until it so desires

(Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires. –Ps. 8:4, NIV)

How can I resist not to agree with this verse in my head and heart.
I would have wanted to love, to be, and grow in love.
Five months of pursuit, I didn’t find myself being in that state of being in love.
I thought it would lead to what I have been praying.
Why can’t I just dictate my heart to love this man who showed me nothing but goodness, who patiently waited for me, who prayed for me for years?
Two weeks of silence and I said “No.”
It breaks my heart to remember that. I knew I had hurt him.

I had a covenant. I have a covenant.
And that stands still until God says otherwise
I know He would keep His promise
But would I? I have been trying.

30.

That mystical number.
I made a vow to the Lord.
I will only wait until I am 30.
I am 29. In 3 months, I am 30.
When I reach 30 without meeting the man that I am meant to marry and have a family with,I will live a life of singleness filled with all the love and joy to serve the Lord.
This may sound crazy or even stupid
but this is how I entrust my future to the Author of my life.

Funny how time flies so fast
I made this covenant in prayer when I was 26.
Years have passed and I am sure the Lord will keep His Word
I had peace. I have peace. I choose to stay at peace.

People whom I shared this covenant with, were anxious about it. They worry about my future, my heart, and the life of being “alone.” So what if I’d be single all my life? Love makes the world go round. Love keeps us alive. Love is love regardless if it will be with or without having a significant other.

Do I feel bad about it?
I’d be lying if I say No
I do. Sometimes. But again, I’m at peace.
I know my God. He knows me.
He knows exactly what I need and want.
Too good to be true?
No. Things are perfect in His hands

So God, this fragile heart, which I do not have control of, which I most of the time do not understand, take all of it. Leave me with a choice to just wait and stay in love. After all, my definition of Love will always be You, no matter what. So let’s do this Lord.  I am ready.

If I Perish, I Perish

And If I perish, I perish.

These are the words of Esther, a woman of God whom I look up to. I admire how she gathered all the courage that she has to stand up to what she think is best for others even if it would cause losing her own life.

Do I have that courage within me, the confidence I have in Christ Jesus that whatever happens, I will give and serve all the days of my life? I wonder… I like to believe so. Who owns my life anyway? Jesus. Just Him.

On the 7th of July I’ll be flying to Davao City, Mindanao for my pre-arranged birthday treat for myself. Yesterday, I was talking to my grandmother about her stay in Davao and when my uncle heard us, he immediately told me that the terrorist alert in the area was heightened. I did not take it seriously until I read it on the news myself.

Source: http://www.abs-cbnnews.com/nation/regions/06/29/14/security-alert-mindanao-over-terror-threat

While gearing through the end of the news, though I know I’d be protected by God, I can’t help but imagine what I am going to do if I got into a middle of something terrible such as encounter with the bad guys, with all that bombing etc.?

As horrible as my thoughts can be, I imagined fighting for my own life, dying people all around me, bleeding to death but still trying so hard to breathe but not for my own sake but for others to know that they are loved by Jesus. Crazy right? But yes, I will make every effort to do just that. And If I perish, I perish. The least is that I know that I am making my life count up to my last breath.

But of course, I don’t have to be in that kind of situation before I start sharing God’s love to others. So either way, I’m looking forward to being there, enjoying every moment of my alone time on the first day and the company of a friend on the next days. We agreed to do missions during the trip. Definitely exciting! 🙂

The First of Many Firsts

Came across with a thought of knowing,understanding, and growing up with the word FIRST while I was on the way home from a long day of travel.

First cut is the deepest

First love never dies

First will always be first

First will always be special

First can hardly be forgotten

First is nothing like the rest

These famous and not so famous lines. I’ve been hearing it in my thoughts while on the road. I have had so many firsts in my life, I thought of it as something grand, exciting, and surreal but first? First does not guarantee a second and it sometimes painfully cannot guarantee that it will last… until forever. I don’t know.

Though the Scripture says otherwise and I strongly believe it to be so, sometimes firsts can last for only a blissful moment but its memories, its memories… do not usually fade. Some firsts may also have left scars, a reminder of a mess of what might have been a beautiful thing, yet ended up with the deepest cut. It’s not always delightful experiencing the first of many firsts in life, but if it’s worth the pain then yeah, just go on and live life as if it’s always the first of a never or forever.

After all we can never undo or replace what has been first. We are just blessed with too many seconds to make up for it or to completely mess things up. Choices, choices are for you and I to make.

 

Mood Swing In Writing

So today I am praying that my writing skills won’t fail me.

With Alanis Morisette’s music being played in my ear, I need to complete a roughly 30-page newsletter for the organization that I am involved in as a volunteer. This is due anytime today but my writing skills have been failing me to the fullest for the past days.

 Juggling with words along the paragraphs stressed both my mind and hands but whenever my mind cooperates, my hands just type words out of the blue ( words from out of the blue that make sense… I think…)

 After completing at least 5 pages, I now settled to stop and keep my mind fresh by venting out what is going through my heart and mind now.

 I love this kind of job, the documentation and stuff such as what I am doing now but I can’t seem to get it whenever I have to beat a deadline and this would happen, I’d be lost for words and won’t be able to type even a decent paragraph.

 I don’t know with others but I have this mood swing in writing, a time when I can write as fluid as I possibly can then in another second would not feel like writing anything at all. Am I impatient, lazy, too tired to come up with at least a good write up? I always wonder. I always think I should be at the top of what I write about but truth would just be right in front of my face writing this line: You are never satisfied with whatever it is that you do!

 Yes, I may never be satisfied at some point but the thing is, I am still grateful that I am able to write.  I no longer call myself as a frustrated writer. So long as I can write and deal with words out of my heart and the simplicity of my mind, I am a writer blessed with the simplicity and beauty that comes with it.

When Just Being Heard Isn’t Enough

In my growing up years, I have loved listening to stories, from serious ones down to the lamest and craziest jokes from the people around me. A friend even told me that I am a good listener (especially to those who opens up their heart with all its pain, hurt, and stuff like that). For me, listening was a pleasure, one of the best things I can do for the people I care about. 

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Until text messaging and chat took its toll on my listening gift. Not that I don’t want to hear or listen to any story anymore, I just felt that the effect of the advanced technology made it both easier and harder to communicate. 

And so I have this friend who always wanted to be listened to with all the attention of anyone she is speaking with. She wanted to be looked at while she’s talking, and you have to show it on your face that you really are listening. Otherwise, it is going to be a bit of a quarrel. There was this one time that she told me a long story (took her half an hour to finish) and to her surprise, she didn’t get any reaction from me for 5 long minutes. You don’t have to guess what happened we got into a fight after. 🙂

And of course, that made me talk but not about her story, but to defend myself. 

I listened, yes I did, but it wasn’t enough that I just listened. I can rehearse everything she told me but I know that I was not fully committed to pay real and close attention to everything she is talking about. Whenever I recall that scene, I can’t help but smile but at the same time, it makes me realize that though I really didn’t wan to listen, I could’ve been decent enough to tell her to stop or even pause for a while, and divert the conversation to something else if I couldn’t really take every story that she was telling me about.

To be fully committed to listening, “just hearing” is not enough.

Later on, I realized that I started hating the thought of being listened to with undivided attention as well. I met a lot of good friends who casually look at their phones to read text messages and reply to some of it while having live conversations. I am no excuse of the same but I am really working on this. Being really there for a friend requires being present with your undivided attention.

Life can be too busy for most of us but if we agreed to meet and have a real conversation over a cup of coffee or tea, we must be really present with all that we are. Otherwise, it might be a waste of time on both ends. I still love being there for my friends, listening to their stories, and all I know now is that I don’t like the feeling of just being heard.  i would love to be listened to with full attention no matter how drastic the reaction of the other party might be. And with that, I have to start doing the same thing whenever I am listening to anyone. 

Do you have anything to share? I’d be present, I’d be listening… with all my heart and undivided attention this time. 😉