relationships

Do Not Lose Yourself

DSC_0294You can love without limits without losing yourself. -myself

I had many relationships that worked and didn’t from the past and they somehow shaped who I am now, at least that’s what I thought, and not that I am just speaking about the “romantic” kind of love that we know. I’ve always believed that there’s just too much love that a person can give to another, to others, to this world. They say love makes the world go ‘round. I knew that. I have always believed but…

…there’s just too much definition attached to the word “love” these days. I can’t even begin to think how pure, authentic, and unconditional true love can still be in the generation that you and I are in now. I myself used to believe that my heart is always filled with love, that I am always at my best when it comes to loving anyone. A loyal and trusted friend who can be there right on, just about the second I am needed by the person I love, I thought that to be one of my strengths in love until I realized that at some point, even if I didn’t want to, I still may have lost myself in some of my relationships because I thought love always demands more, the best of what I am and even what I am not.

And so we thought this is love, when you get to be the most present in all circumstances, the most understanding friend who can be too patient even if it means going out of your way just to be there, the most generous when you’re giving more than the other, the most forgiving when you are the first person to say “I’m sorry,” and someone who forgives like nothing wrong ever happened. But tell me now, is it still the right kind of love when you choose to stay even if the other person is making you feel that you’re not good enough for anyone or you do not amount to anything? Is it still love when you are holding on to somebody who had learned to let you go while you are still hoping to make things better? I wonder what happens to love when you reach the point when even your body could not take any beating of that person you thought means the whole world to you.

I have loved. I had my heart broken (for several times, yes). I have listened to a handful of stories of love and heartbreak. I even have encountered this love that Jesus offered (if we could only love the way He does…). I know what love is, but to fully understand it? I now think of it is a never-ending journey, realizing this one thing: yes, love can sometimes demand more but it does not necessarily requires giving more than who you are and what you can give.

With every heartbreak, you may have thought that you cannot love again the same way you did. Maybe, and eventually you will see yourself outgrowing your other good-to-be-true definition of love. You will grow and learn and unlearn things from your ex(s) and experiences but please do not allow yourself to accept the lies in your head, lies that will make you believe that you have lost yourself in love. Remember, you are not called as “individual” without a reason. You are you. You are still you. You just became stronger, a better version this time. You don’t lose yourself in love. You just find you.

No matter how much pain you have encountered, your heart will never run dry of love, you will still long for it because that is how we are built, for love and to love. So don’t be afraid, have the courage to take risk. Just love and be loved. Sadly, some relationships will expire, even people do expire and oh it will hurt to see some people go but you already know that there are those who will stay but first thing’s first, believe that you still, and will always have yourself, the stronger you.

Love is a beautiful thing. It brings good things. It gives life. If you find it to be otherwise, then get out of that relationship, run away from people who are only holding you back from being the best person that you can become and start having a good relationship with yourself first. After all, finding yourself to begin with, may be the best decision there is yet, for now.

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The Longest Beginning with the Quickest Ending

I have prayed long enough for someone to arrive. I waited patiently and impatiently to finally let my heart love and be loved. I know everything falls on God’s perfect timing and so I waited and thankfully, He responded right on time.

I had my covenant with the Lord to only wait until I’m 30. (https://apolwrites.wordpress.com/2015/04/24/to-wait-and-stay-in-love/)

And He allowed me to be pursued, allowed me to feel loved, and I chose to love.

The pursuit lasted for almost a year. It’s quite a journey. Over the months I have learned more about myself. I realized what I wanted and what I do not. I tried to prepare my heart and mind for anything that can happen the moment I enter into a relationship. I was looking forward to be in the moment of the beauty of love, including the challenges that we are about to face as a couple.
And so I said yes. On my 30th birthday, I said yes. Timing was everything. It was not a perfect day but it is a beautiful one. Someone said that I shouldn’t have said yes on my birthday because it might be harder for me to move on just in case things won’t work out. I laughed it off. I never thought of the possible ending. I held on to the Truth that God has finally answered my prayer and there’s no way it is going to end.

Not anytime soon. Not anytime at all.

Yet today I am writing this two days passed our breakup.

He is my first boyfriend. I thought of him as my last. I thought of spending the rest of my life with him. We had plans but he had more. I am not sure if I can talk about the reasons why I decided to just end it in full length but at the moment, I am hurt that he is hurting.

There is just too much questions that I had to answer in my head and heart before I reached the decision but things are now crystal clear. This can still get difficult especially on days that I have to answer questions from our loved ones about it. I don’t want them to feel bad for us, especially for me. They know that I waited this long. Everyone seemed to be so happy for me when I had him.

But my heart is finally free again and though I still hurt at some point, surprisingly, I still feel joyful in waking up another day to love and serve my God and His people. Maybe, love can be defined in many different kind of ways, but sometimes it can be this plain yet incomprehensible. Always beautiful.

Wherever my heart leads me, as long as there is joy, peace, and love, I know I can keep myself together and continue to just love and be what God wants me to be and do what He wants me to do.

I have loved and that is the only thing that I know that will never end. Never. I will always love…

No Fear In Love

Knowing and embracing this for the longest time has always given me the sense of calm and peace in my heart. Truly, there is no fear in love especially when you know it is true.

I’ve been reading about the book One Month to Live this month and it mostly address the issues of relationships. I can say that it’s a good book and assuming that I only have a month to live made me realize a lot of things. Though I was not able to do everything it says, I believe this has taught me a lot of things in life when it comes to my relationships with others.

Today, I’d like to talk about a little something about a conversation I had last night with a friend. He asked me if  I already have found the man that I will be possibly be in love with. I told him that I am not searching because as a woman I believe I am meant to be sought. I know that these days are different from before, Ladies nowadays can confidently present themselves wearing a sign “Single and ready to mingle” but I think that wouldn’t work for me. I still believe that the man that I will commit myself to will come along in God’s perfect time and perfect place.

With the culture I grew up in, I had strong convictions when it comes to being in a relationship like no courtship on the streets, no going out with a man without permission from my parents, no compromise when it comes to my faith in Jesus. Don’t get me wrong, it all didn’t work perfectly well for me at some point as well. Being labelled as NBSB “No Boyfriend Since Birth” does not mean I was free from all the heartaches, those pseudo-relationships that I thought will lead to “forever”, and all those kind of crazy ideas of expressing the way I am when I am in love.

Now that I am nearly on my 29th, you can say that this wouldn’t work for me at all but I have my answers at the top of my mind and from the bottom of my heart. Am I scared to commit? Am I scared to date and go out and tell the world that I am available? Do you think? Sometimes when I feel that the need to be loved and taken cared of is at its peak in moments of my life, I ask this kind of questions, Do  I fear? Maybe… at times, but when I search myself real deep, I know that I will never ever have to fear when it comes to love because I know that love is a beautiful thing. It is a wonderful gift. But then again, this waiting process is not easy and can be painful but I know at the end of the line, it will all be worth it.

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.- 1 John 4:18

So to you my future lifetime partner, I won’t fear and worry about anything at all for I know you will come when we are both ready to meet and commit… In God’s perfect timing. 🙂