At 7:55 in the evening, while I am trying to calm my veins as they chill from the work space where I came from I am writing in the parking lot with absolute silence inside a car. All I can hear is the palpitation of my heart and the sound of the keys as I type.
I am panting as if I have a limited time to get everything off my chest. These excruciating thoughts of being in the place where I should have been instead of being parked in the middle of this silence. In this silence… yet my thoughts are unruly. I am gasping for air to breathe.
Oh how I wish I could just leave all the mess the moment I leave this parking lot. If only I could park the negative thoughts and emotions within, right here at bay 3E and just move forward like I heard nothing, like nothing happened, like I never lost a battle, but truth hurts. It hurts more than anything. Yet it is actually freeing.
Can the world really be a better place if everyone were honest? Would it really make a difference? Maybe or maybe not. I tried to be one but I ended up being in a hollow, meddling with the wound of that one word that I now thought as the end of my trying-to-be-honest-at-all-times
I would keep quiet. I won’t say a word. I was caught off guard by that one word. That word that could have been the truth that I cannot just accept. I felt helpless. I thought I fainted to death.
Yet that truth will still hold true, I will come out strong from this struggle. I know that for sure. Avenge your child, Lord.
Avenge me from my own destructive self.
Avenge me from the real enemy.
Woke up at 5:30 one humid morning. It was an hour earlier than my usual routine. I decided to get while staring blankly into a space. I never thought I could do it again until that Monday.
I used to be a late sleeper but always an early riser. No matter how late I stayed up for a night, I will still wake up at 6:00 or 6:30 the following day. I guess I have a well managed body clock when it comes to waking time. I do not always succeed whenever I try to sleep for some more minutes. I love mornings, but it does not necessarily mean I am always productive. I realize I still waste much of time, I have to admit. I lay on bed at least 30 minutes more, worse for 2 long hours, just being stagnant until I realize I am late for something.
I do not want to waste any of my waking moment anymore. I don’t want to miss out on the fresh revelation from God’s Word, the joy of conversing with a loving Father, the sight of my parents talking about everything over breakfast, and the perfect time to write, to keep on writing my prayer, thoughts, and to even doodle about anything.
Time passed like every tick of the clock is a waste. It has been two weeks since I started being an early riser again and I still fail miserably because of my schedule of activities for the past days, but this will not make me quit. I am an early riser. I know that by heart. I will be a better early riser.
Every waking moment is a gift. I do not want miss it. No more excuses.