love

From Afar

Few inches away from you and I stare closely from where I sat
I don’t know why but I see a future as bright as my hope in Christ
Even if it is crystal clear that somebody else has already captured your heart

Now here’s what I do
Here’s what I have
To put my hurt aside
and just love you from afar

Love is patient, love is kind
even chances are you can never be mine
Love does not envy, love does not boast
It’s bittersweet but I’d just have to let you go
But I know that love also hopes and it endures
and so I wait and just love you from afar

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To The One I love

To the One I love
7:50 a.m.

Everyday I get the chance to be a witness
Of the beauty of Your miracles
I get to breathe new life and
Share another smile with another

Everyday I get to be grateful
Of both great and greatest beginnings
For the things that I can and cannot do
Oh this heart, it can only trust in You

Everyday I get the chance to be resilient
Of a strength that is renewed to that of an eagle
I get to run to You to restore my vigor
Seemingly able to run a day without limits

Everyday I get the chance to keep fighting
Of the life I chose to live
To give glory to the One who is my everything
This purpose in life You have planned for me

Do Not Lose Yourself

DSC_0294You can love without limits without losing yourself. -myself

I had many relationships that worked and didn’t from the past and they somehow shaped who I am now, at least that’s what I thought, and not that I am just speaking about the “romantic” kind of love that we know. I’ve always believed that there’s just too much love that a person can give to another, to others, to this world. They say love makes the world go ‘round. I knew that. I have always believed but…

…there’s just too much definition attached to the word “love” these days. I can’t even begin to think how pure, authentic, and unconditional true love can still be in the generation that you and I are in now. I myself used to believe that my heart is always filled with love, that I am always at my best when it comes to loving anyone. A loyal and trusted friend who can be there right on, just about the second I am needed by the person I love, I thought that to be one of my strengths in love until I realized that at some point, even if I didn’t want to, I still may have lost myself in some of my relationships because I thought love always demands more, the best of what I am and even what I am not.

And so we thought this is love, when you get to be the most present in all circumstances, the most understanding friend who can be too patient even if it means going out of your way just to be there, the most generous when you’re giving more than the other, the most forgiving when you are the first person to say “I’m sorry,” and someone who forgives like nothing wrong ever happened. But tell me now, is it still the right kind of love when you choose to stay even if the other person is making you feel that you’re not good enough for anyone or you do not amount to anything? Is it still love when you are holding on to somebody who had learned to let you go while you are still hoping to make things better? I wonder what happens to love when you reach the point when even your body could not take any beating of that person you thought means the whole world to you.

I have loved. I had my heart broken (for several times, yes). I have listened to a handful of stories of love and heartbreak. I even have encountered this love that Jesus offered (if we could only love the way He does…). I know what love is, but to fully understand it? I now think of it is a never-ending journey, realizing this one thing: yes, love can sometimes demand more but it does not necessarily requires giving more than who you are and what you can give.

With every heartbreak, you may have thought that you cannot love again the same way you did. Maybe, and eventually you will see yourself outgrowing your other good-to-be-true definition of love. You will grow and learn and unlearn things from your ex(s) and experiences but please do not allow yourself to accept the lies in your head, lies that will make you believe that you have lost yourself in love. Remember, you are not called as “individual” without a reason. You are you. You are still you. You just became stronger, a better version this time. You don’t lose yourself in love. You just find you.

No matter how much pain you have encountered, your heart will never run dry of love, you will still long for it because that is how we are built, for love and to love. So don’t be afraid, have the courage to take risk. Just love and be loved. Sadly, some relationships will expire, even people do expire and oh it will hurt to see some people go but you already know that there are those who will stay but first thing’s first, believe that you still, and will always have yourself, the stronger you.

Love is a beautiful thing. It brings good things. It gives life. If you find it to be otherwise, then get out of that relationship, run away from people who are only holding you back from being the best person that you can become and start having a good relationship with yourself first. After all, finding yourself to begin with, may be the best decision there is yet, for now.

My First Love, Adieu

My childhood was quite an adventure. I was most of the time out of the house playing with practically the same kids that I grew up with. But even I always had someone to spend time with, I was still an introvert. I am an introvert. On my alone time, I love to listen to music. I used to listen to almost every trending genre back then. I built my world around it.

I grew up watching MTVs, listening to radio (sometimes even ‘til I fall asleep) and sing with it and by myself, thought of having a mini concert with my cousin. I knew that it was something that I would love to do. True enough, when I got into college, when I got to know Jesus in my life, the first ministry that I got myself involved into was the Music (Praise and Worship) Team. I didn’t know what to do. No matter how much I loved music, I just knew that my voice will never qualify and I do not have skills in any musical instrument until then.

It was very surprising to me that I got in without audition. (I think they lack people and had no choice but to take me in. Thank goodness!). I was too shy and never wanted my voice to be heard but of course I did it. My first rehearsal was for their first ever concert! Wait, what?!? Yes, it was then that I realized that I am not just part of an ordinary church group. I’d be singing in a concert! Whoa! It was a wonderful experience. The rest of the story is forever part of HIStory.

From then on I started learning from other people. I have learned to maximize my God-given voice, learned how to play guitar, fell in love with playing the bass guitar, tried to learn the basics of how to play drums and the piano. By God’s grace, I was privileged to be part of this ministry since that day someone thought I was worth having as one of their worship team members. I had a lot of good memories and the best part of it was experiencing God while singing and playing music to Him during worship.

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As things began to change over the years, moving from another church and being part of a new music team, becoming a leader of the team, and working with both good and difficult people, I have come to realize that in as much as I can never outgrow my love for music, there will be a day that I just have to let it go and move to the next level of my calling. No matter how much I love to sing and play guitar, I have to prioritize being a preacher, take care of the church administration, and become a better steward of God’s work in my life.

So on January 31st I took my final bow. That was the last time I was part of leading the worship in our church, the last time I got to play with the team(Limitless Band). My resignation was irrevocable, telling them that no matter how painful it will be for me, no matter how much I will miss worship leading or playing the guitar, there is no turning back anymore.

I thought I died a little. It was not easy. While singing on my last day, I just broke down into tears, in pain but with a lot of gratitude that I was part of this ministry for so many years. I will certainly miss every part of it but now is the perfect time to go and step up further.

So to you my first love, there will be a day that I will never stop singing and playing, to worship God but for now, I will just have to enjoy God’s presence beyond the platform.

My Lord, the Choir Master, my Band Leader, I give You all the glory and praises in all those years. J

A Woman Such As I am

12/08/15
9:09 a.m.

I am a woman and I am like no one
I am bestowed with a heart that breaks
That is able to rejuvenate on its own
Every season is an integral part
What I was and where I have been
They speak a lot of the kind of woman such as I am

I am a woman who takes courage
That can be the strongest warrior
While hiding a wounded soul
The best and worst spring out
From the depths of this being
Both resilient and fragile of a woman such as I am

I am a woman of an image that is strong
But can be vulnerable when it comes to love
I am a woman in need of love
With a heart that is passionate and brave
This love kept that is ever willing to give
The very core of a woman such as I am

I am a woman with special powers
One touch is warm and magical
My words can make or break a spirit
And I fight for anything and for everything
But if I fall, in that moment that I fall…
may I fall right into the arms
Of a man for a woman such as I am

I am a woman
And I am ready to love

The Longest Beginning with the Quickest Ending

I have prayed long enough for someone to arrive. I waited patiently and impatiently to finally let my heart love and be loved. I know everything falls on God’s perfect timing and so I waited and thankfully, He responded right on time.

I had my covenant with the Lord to only wait until I’m 30. (https://apolwrites.wordpress.com/2015/04/24/to-wait-and-stay-in-love/)

And He allowed me to be pursued, allowed me to feel loved, and I chose to love.

The pursuit lasted for almost a year. It’s quite a journey. Over the months I have learned more about myself. I realized what I wanted and what I do not. I tried to prepare my heart and mind for anything that can happen the moment I enter into a relationship. I was looking forward to be in the moment of the beauty of love, including the challenges that we are about to face as a couple.
And so I said yes. On my 30th birthday, I said yes. Timing was everything. It was not a perfect day but it is a beautiful one. Someone said that I shouldn’t have said yes on my birthday because it might be harder for me to move on just in case things won’t work out. I laughed it off. I never thought of the possible ending. I held on to the Truth that God has finally answered my prayer and there’s no way it is going to end.

Not anytime soon. Not anytime at all.

Yet today I am writing this two days passed our breakup.

He is my first boyfriend. I thought of him as my last. I thought of spending the rest of my life with him. We had plans but he had more. I am not sure if I can talk about the reasons why I decided to just end it in full length but at the moment, I am hurt that he is hurting.

There is just too much questions that I had to answer in my head and heart before I reached the decision but things are now crystal clear. This can still get difficult especially on days that I have to answer questions from our loved ones about it. I don’t want them to feel bad for us, especially for me. They know that I waited this long. Everyone seemed to be so happy for me when I had him.

But my heart is finally free again and though I still hurt at some point, surprisingly, I still feel joyful in waking up another day to love and serve my God and His people. Maybe, love can be defined in many different kind of ways, but sometimes it can be this plain yet incomprehensible. Always beautiful.

Wherever my heart leads me, as long as there is joy, peace, and love, I know I can keep myself together and continue to just love and be what God wants me to be and do what He wants me to do.

I have loved and that is the only thing that I know that will never end. Never. I will always love…

Changing Heart in Changing Times

I thought I will never take my words back.

I thought that I was completely convinced that that was It.

I thought my heart was soft, too fragile, but it wasn’t. It was too hard to be taken down.

I have to admit that everything seemed to change after the night we talked. The first time that we had our real heart to heart talk after I said No to his pursuit. I had to ask him several questions and I heard him explain. I also had to explain myself in between our conversations. I realized how opposite we think about some matters in life but we both heard each other. Finally, I have let my guards down. Finally, I have understood where he is coming from, even geographically speaking.

Since that night, I could not stop the realizations from coming in. My heart got smashed with the Truth. The Truth that I was too proud during those long months of pursuit. I thought I could just demand. I thought it was okay to at least make him feel rejected once in a while. I thought I was just being cautious with my own heart but not with his. I was rude and almost heartless. All the while, I was preparing myself to say NO to this man of God. I thought it was just a phase and that eventually he will be fed up and leave me hanging.

For a while I felt terribly sorry for him because of all the things that I had in mind and all that is not in my heart. Hence, I apologized. The Lord has taught me these lessons in His most humbling way. I had to face it literally, face-to-face. I had to hear it coming from a heart of a man whom I had hurt who chose to understand, to forgive, and still love me after all.

I did all the thinking without allowing my heart to speak for itself. As the Lord continue to restore this heart of mine again, I am ready to be a recipient of His abounding love for me. A love that is not confusing, selfish, and complicated… a love that is just beautiful as it has always been. So if the Lord will still lead me to this man, this changing heart will amazingly synchronize itself with the changing times.