I am currently reading a book of Robert Morris, From Dream to Destiny. This is my 2of10 books to read this year. It has been stacked in my shelf for more than a year, it is only today that I decided to take it out and read on. The book was not mine, it was dad’s.
I started flipping through the pages, learning this and that, thinking that this is just any other Christian book that will encourage me, a book that will speak to my heart, and later on I might forget about but not this time, I think. I don’t know, but this one caught me off guard. I was surprised that I found myself crying before chapter 1 ends. It hit me to the core, right there in that bottom part, tearing my heart into small puzzle pieces.
It addressed the issue of pride in one’s life. I never thought that I am anywhere close to being prideful. I hate pride. Personally, that is one of the words that I will never ever want associated with my name. I’d like to believe that I am never prideful, boastful, conceited, and such. I just hate pride and everything that goes with it.
But here goes this book speaking to me as if the Lord is so close to me, pinching my heart softly until it’s fully awaken. And then BOOOOMMM!!! My heart is all of a sudden exposed to broad daylight. It is not the story of the author that I am looking at anymore but the story of my life.
“Don’t brag about the call of God in your life. Don’t brag about the gifts you have. DON’T BRAG ABOUT THE THINGS YOU’VE DONE FOR GOD OR THE THINGS THAT YOU’RE GOING TO DO FOR HIM.” (From Dream to Destiny, Chapter 1 The Pride Test, Robert Morris)
I would have wanted to justify some things before the Lord but with these words? What more can I say? In one way or another I did brag some of the things that I’ve done for God. I was proud and prideful sometimes. I think I know that but I also thought that, as long as it doesn’t get noticed or does not affect anything I do, or anyone that I work with in the ministry, I am just doing fine. I was wrong. And the Lord just started shooting from there, consoling me with His Word but completely breaking my spirit (all in a good way) and it hurts.
You must understand that I rarely speak my mind out years back. I’d rather write and I prefer listening to stories, until I started opening myself to people, letting them in into my imperfect yet beautiful journey in life, especially in the ministry. I thought I was just doing fine, I think I was good, actually great in everything I do. I remembered one of our youth leaders asking me this question: “Ate, you seem to know what God wants for your life, How do you do that?”
I said, “Well, the answer is in front of You. When You have Jesus as your friend and you are growing intimately closer to Him, He will speak to you, direct your ways, and He will share His secrets with you just like what any other close friend will do. And girl, you have to seek His plans in His Word”
But wait here!
It backfired to me today. I realized something and this one is major. Ready?
I am sure that God wants to use me but He does not want the way I am doing it. I don’t know what I am doing!
My heart just exploded right there. Which one to pick first? Everything seemed trashed. I was helpless and dumbfounded for few minutes as tears started to roll down my cheeks. After a while, I started telling God this: “I am sorry. I am so sorry. Lord, I’m sorry.”
All along, I was taking things in my own hands. I decide on my own. I even want to be healed by myself when I’m physically ill. It seems like I can win the most active award every year (if there should be one). I rush all the time. I always think that I am on the right path, always doing the right thing, always have my best foot forward but God… God does not want anything more than my heart. He wants me. He waited long enough for me to come to Him like there is really nothing right in my life without Him beside me.
I hope you are not getting me wrong here. Yes I love spending time with God but how much do I really make time for Him? I’ve been to busy with the doing of a Christian but what about with the “being” a Christian? God I think is not demanding anything from me. Actually, He is doing me a favor. He longs to lavish His love on me, to mold me, and even heal me but I don’t always come to Him like I should have.
And here comes another bullet: “To deal with pride, one must deal with his/her insecurities” and so I quote. What am I insecure about? Do I need people to tell me that I’m doing great in the things that I do for the Lord? Am I needy of praises and affirmations? Is there always a need for me to be better than anybody else? These things.. Oh my Lord!
The God whom I serve wants me. He waited until today for me to come to my senses. I have dreams in my heart, dreams that I think and know came from God and I am thrilled to see it happening but up until now, everything seems blurry. I’ve been trying to do things that will lead me there, thinking that I am stepping out of faith but today, once again I found myself very wrong.
“Don’t pursue the dream, but pursue the Giver of the dream.” (From Dream to Destiny, Chapter 1 The Pride Test, Robert Morris)
God!!!! (my heart shouts), why did You make me realize this just now? I’ve been trying so hard. Whew! but as I write this now, I am comforted by the Truth that I am child of God, I am an heir to His Kingdom and yet I waste a lot of time being too stressed, too tired of doing things my way, without realizing that God wants me to just relax and allow Him to move freely. I can imagine a dad saying to his kid, “Honey, I got this. You just have to stay closer to me and let daddy handle everything. Just hang in there, okay?”
And that exactly what God wants me to do now. Spend time with Him. Nothing more than that.
For few more minutes all I could ever tell Him is how sorry I am for being so wrong in many ways. I am grateful that God loves me this much. He is truly the God of many chances. I give up myself and plans to Him (once again). Hence this poem:
11:00 p.m. @ My Humble Prayer Abode
There’s nothing that I’ve done
That can make You love me more
And even if I give my all
You are still the Author of it all
My flesh and strength fails
But Your Word still remains
It crushed and broke me apart
Creating in me a beautiful heart
It has always been about You
Just about You,my Lord
It’s never because of who I am
but always because of who You are
and what You have done
Your love runs deep
Higher than anything steep
I give up my all to You
Always for You,
To no one but You
You deserve all the glory my Abba Father. Thank Your for Your love.