heart

Do Not Lose Yourself

DSC_0294You can love without limits without losing yourself. -myself

I had many relationships that worked and didn’t from the past and they somehow shaped who I am now, at least that’s what I thought, and not that I am just speaking about the “romantic” kind of love that we know. I’ve always believed that there’s just too much love that a person can give to another, to others, to this world. They say love makes the world go ‘round. I knew that. I have always believed but…

…there’s just too much definition attached to the word “love” these days. I can’t even begin to think how pure, authentic, and unconditional true love can still be in the generation that you and I are in now. I myself used to believe that my heart is always filled with love, that I am always at my best when it comes to loving anyone. A loyal and trusted friend who can be there right on, just about the second I am needed by the person I love, I thought that to be one of my strengths in love until I realized that at some point, even if I didn’t want to, I still may have lost myself in some of my relationships because I thought love always demands more, the best of what I am and even what I am not.

And so we thought this is love, when you get to be the most present in all circumstances, the most understanding friend who can be too patient even if it means going out of your way just to be there, the most generous when you’re giving more than the other, the most forgiving when you are the first person to say “I’m sorry,” and someone who forgives like nothing wrong ever happened. But tell me now, is it still the right kind of love when you choose to stay even if the other person is making you feel that you’re not good enough for anyone or you do not amount to anything? Is it still love when you are holding on to somebody who had learned to let you go while you are still hoping to make things better? I wonder what happens to love when you reach the point when even your body could not take any beating of that person you thought means the whole world to you.

I have loved. I had my heart broken (for several times, yes). I have listened to a handful of stories of love and heartbreak. I even have encountered this love that Jesus offered (if we could only love the way He does…). I know what love is, but to fully understand it? I now think of it is a never-ending journey, realizing this one thing: yes, love can sometimes demand more but it does not necessarily requires giving more than who you are and what you can give.

With every heartbreak, you may have thought that you cannot love again the same way you did. Maybe, and eventually you will see yourself outgrowing your other good-to-be-true definition of love. You will grow and learn and unlearn things from your ex(s) and experiences but please do not allow yourself to accept the lies in your head, lies that will make you believe that you have lost yourself in love. Remember, you are not called as “individual” without a reason. You are you. You are still you. You just became stronger, a better version this time. You don’t lose yourself in love. You just find you.

No matter how much pain you have encountered, your heart will never run dry of love, you will still long for it because that is how we are built, for love and to love. So don’t be afraid, have the courage to take risk. Just love and be loved. Sadly, some relationships will expire, even people do expire and oh it will hurt to see some people go but you already know that there are those who will stay but first thing’s first, believe that you still, and will always have yourself, the stronger you.

Love is a beautiful thing. It brings good things. It gives life. If you find it to be otherwise, then get out of that relationship, run away from people who are only holding you back from being the best person that you can become and start having a good relationship with yourself first. After all, finding yourself to begin with, may be the best decision there is yet, for now.

Alone and Lonely

These two words best fit what I am feeling now.
It has been 3 weeks of staying home and trying to get better. Being in and out of the hospital to see a doctor is tiring and depressing especially when things are not going well. This week I decided not to go. I opted to just stay at home and try to rest this body. You see, I can survive days of being locked up inside my own room, but not to do the usual things that I do? Oh it makes me feel alone and… now.., lonely.

I know that I can be alone but not lonely but this is where exactly I have found myself in. I may be getting better physically (I assume) but my heart is being torn down. In as much as I’d like to avoid the pollution from outside home, I can also sense it coming from inside my head. There’s just too much pollution all around me.

The worst part of being alone and lonely is that you tend to long for someone or something that nearly does not exist. You may start imagining scenes from a movie happening in your own life, like some kind of a hero will rescue you from your state of loneliness and all of a sudden you will be jumpy and free, and that this turn of event will actually lead you towards the road of a happily ever after chapter of your life. But it is not the way real life goes. We know that for sure.

As I try to endure some lonely days, I realized that sorting out thoughts can still be the toughest for me. I have to battle with myself first thing in the morning. Since I don’t have any clear agenda for a day aside from keep-yourself-inside-home-and-just-relax, my thoughts managed to become more overwhelming than ever. My emotions are just above me and it is draining the life out of me.

I cannot just muster myself into believing that everything will be fine again, that I am not in the middle of the state of depression. Being sick is something that makes me really sick in my head. I cannot just handle being weak because when I am physically down, I am really messed up, and I will (most of the time) long for someone to look after me. I may have a strong personality but when I’m sick, I am clingy, just like that.

I know people always have something to say. They all have their well wishes, the encouragement and all the love they have for me and I appreciate it all but today no one can completely understand this very heart of mine, now that I am by myself, alone and lonely.

A Woman Such As I am

12/08/15
9:09 a.m.

I am a woman and I am like no one
I am bestowed with a heart that breaks
That is able to rejuvenate on its own
Every season is an integral part
What I was and where I have been
They speak a lot of the kind of woman such as I am

I am a woman who takes courage
That can be the strongest warrior
While hiding a wounded soul
The best and worst spring out
From the depths of this being
Both resilient and fragile of a woman such as I am

I am a woman of an image that is strong
But can be vulnerable when it comes to love
I am a woman in need of love
With a heart that is passionate and brave
This love kept that is ever willing to give
The very core of a woman such as I am

I am a woman with special powers
One touch is warm and magical
My words can make or break a spirit
And I fight for anything and for everything
But if I fall, in that moment that I fall…
may I fall right into the arms
Of a man for a woman such as I am

I am a woman
And I am ready to love

Paralyzed

There were countless of times that I have to stare on a distant space before I can begin to write. Weird but it actually quiets my soul even when I am hearing the fleeting sound of a coffee grinder with the chuckles of people sitting near my writing space inside a coffee shop.

I was inside my room the other day listening to the sound of absolute silence. It confined my thoughts, every emotion that I was feeling (both known and unknown) and then I started feeling every heartbeat. I felt everything and yet I cannot move. I cannot keep my eyes from staring at my plain white wall. I cannot and do not want to move. All of a sudden, my kinetics were all put on a halt. Stationary.

P-A-R-A-L-Y-Z-E-D. This word popped up in my mind. Every letter seemed to move in a 3d like motion. Thoughts about it dawned on me and I started to remember a recent entry that was read to me by one of my disciple group members (Do blind people dream when they are asleep?) Yeah, have you ever wondered? I’ve always do. And how does this relate to anything that I am talking about? Because it made me wonder all the more.

How can a paralyzed person be able to express how he/she feels? How can a paralyze take action to achieve what he/she dreams of? How can someone be so numb to feel a slap, pain, caress, and of some sorts. How can this person be able to express his/her emotions, his/her happiness, sadness, or anger?

There are certain levels of paralysis and studying about it is too vast for me.  I have an aunt who has been battling with it for 13 years now. She never stayed out of bed. She rarely talk, and if she does, she can’t do it properly. I can’t even stand looking at her whenever I go visit my late lola’s (grandmother) house, but I still admire her strength. She endures to fight just to live.  With paralysis in my thoughts now, I am thinking of the most drastic scenario, being unable to move, talk, and unable to do anything at all, or nearly comatose.

I can’t start imagining myself being unable to speak and feel. I know that I am afraid to feel pain but nothing is more terrifying than NOT to feel pain. I can never accept anything that will disable me to write, to dance, jump, walk, laugh, cry, and feel and express that warmth of an embrace. I just can’t imagine not being able to reach out and not speak of God’s love and goodness to the lost and not being able to be the person God wants me to become. So, no.

My thoughts of paralysis led me to a sound afternoon nap. I realized I was dreaming while my eyes were still opened.

When I woke up, I am just grateful that I am not paralyzed and I can feel everything. Though my heart may still feel numb at some point, I will still never stop feeling joy, pain, warm hugs, and I even can endure an annoying punch (if there’ll be any).  I am human, very much alive, gifted to witness mornings, privileged to move, honored to worship and speak of God’s grandness, the One who has authored this gift called life that you and I are living now.

To Him be the glory!

A Hand to Hold

Ever had that feeling when you are so down and all you ever wanted is to hold somebody’s hand? That feeling when you could not take it anymore and your hands being held by another is the only thing that can calm your nerves down? I had. I did.
The days have been rough and really tough. My heart does not get any better. I can feel it being smashed on every side and that is okay. Yes, it is just fine. One of the best things about being alive is that you are susceptible to being hurt, feeling the pain, and just completely broken into puzzle pieces.  It’s interesting how all these pieces can be put together again. Or maybe not for some.

I sat still that evening when I thought I did not have enough strength to cry any more. Oh how I wished that someone is beside me, not to lecture me about anything but to also sit still… and just be beside me. Do you get that feeling? I get that a lot these days. I was up until 2 in the morning. I cried myself to sleep. I know that I would feel better the next day.

Then the next day came. I was feeling better. I was. Until I had that feeling again. I sat on the floor, between two stuff from my bedroom. I wanted to feel that there is no space beside me that is needed to be filled by anyone. And then this feeling of wanting to hold somebody’s hand has become my only desire. Oh God, I needed a hand to hold, I thought to myself.

I cried. I prayed. I got up and took a shower. I needed to be okay. I had things to do and people to meet. I went through my day in a regular motion. Time passed so quickly that at night time I am still not yet done moving around and talking to people. Though I was delighted to meet all of them, I was so surprised that I still feel that desire to hold a hand.

Thankfully, I was able to take a long walk on our way home. I was with some of our church mates and then there was Roxanne. I walked with her. I badly wanted to ask her if I could hold her hand while walking but I started feeling awkward about it. I am never such that kind of person who will randomly let down of my guards and just be vulnerable in front of someone I am mentoring. After few walks, I started asking her if I could borrow her hand. She laughed. She thought I am going to pull something funny or crazy about it. I even told her my hands are kinda dirty but can I hold your hand anyway? After few exchange of words of trying to convince her that I am not going to do anything embarrassing, I held her hand. We held hands while walking, until we reach home.

I can’t even begin to explain to her why I wanted to hold her hand. I told her I will explain it here. (She is probably reading this now.) I actually do not what to explain in the first place, and I guess, this is just about it. I wanted a hand to hold to make me feel normal, or better than the normal. Did I feel better after last night? I tell you, solving problems for me does not come easy but solutions such as this one, Oh I feel so much better and inspired to get through another day, and the next to come.

Changing Heart in Changing Times

I thought I will never take my words back.

I thought that I was completely convinced that that was It.

I thought my heart was soft, too fragile, but it wasn’t. It was too hard to be taken down.

I have to admit that everything seemed to change after the night we talked. The first time that we had our real heart to heart talk after I said No to his pursuit. I had to ask him several questions and I heard him explain. I also had to explain myself in between our conversations. I realized how opposite we think about some matters in life but we both heard each other. Finally, I have let my guards down. Finally, I have understood where he is coming from, even geographically speaking.

Since that night, I could not stop the realizations from coming in. My heart got smashed with the Truth. The Truth that I was too proud during those long months of pursuit. I thought I could just demand. I thought it was okay to at least make him feel rejected once in a while. I thought I was just being cautious with my own heart but not with his. I was rude and almost heartless. All the while, I was preparing myself to say NO to this man of God. I thought it was just a phase and that eventually he will be fed up and leave me hanging.

For a while I felt terribly sorry for him because of all the things that I had in mind and all that is not in my heart. Hence, I apologized. The Lord has taught me these lessons in His most humbling way. I had to face it literally, face-to-face. I had to hear it coming from a heart of a man whom I had hurt who chose to understand, to forgive, and still love me after all.

I did all the thinking without allowing my heart to speak for itself. As the Lord continue to restore this heart of mine again, I am ready to be a recipient of His abounding love for me. A love that is not confusing, selfish, and complicated… a love that is just beautiful as it has always been. So if the Lord will still lead me to this man, this changing heart will amazingly synchronize itself with the changing times.

Wait With Great Expectations

What a beautiful day to write again!

Last night, I heard that phrase from a businessman, “Wait with great expectations,” and I was all hyped to claim God’s promises as I wait on Him, as I wait on His perfect timing. Let’s do this Lord!

I am waiting, waiting for so many things to arrive and come my way, but the question is, am I waiting with expectations or am I just waiting in vain? I needed clear answers and I still do, crystal ones.

The problem with women like me is that we tend to over think, to wait impatiently, to complain about almost everything. Patience does not come easy and I guess that is pretty normal with us, you know, nature of women, but today I desire change. I want to wait, to wait with great expectations, to wait diligently, preserving beauty and grace.

I desire to have a family already but I do not want to compromise my heart to someone I am still unsure of. Can you blame me for being too protective of my heart? I mean, this is a one time, big time commitment that I cannot back down if in case it won’t work out. Though I don’t feel pressured about this, the desire to meet my husband-to-be, to love and be loved is becoming great these days (again, not out of pressure). I am happy with what I have and what I am now but human is still human. We are never contented, we always want something better, we always want to have and know more. At this point, the longings in my heart should be anchored to its Keeper.  I still do not want to to rush, there is no point in doing so.  I will not be impatient but one thing is for sure, I WILL WAIT WITH GREAT EXPECTATIONS. So help me God