Alone and Lonely

These two words best fit what I am feeling now.
It has been 3 weeks of staying home and trying to get better. Being in and out of the hospital to see a doctor is tiring and depressing especially when things are not going well. This week I decided not to go. I opted to just stay at home and try to rest this body. You see, I can survive days of being locked up inside my own room, but not to do the usual things that I do? Oh it makes me feel alone and… now.., lonely.

I know that I can be alone but not lonely but this is where exactly I have found myself in. I may be getting better physically (I assume) but my heart is being torn down. In as much as I’d like to avoid the pollution from outside home, I can also sense it coming from inside my head. There’s just too much pollution all around me.

The worst part of being alone and lonely is that you tend to long for someone or something that nearly does not exist. You may start imagining scenes from a movie happening in your own life, like some kind of a hero will rescue you from your state of loneliness and all of a sudden you will be jumpy and free, and that this turn of event will actually lead you towards the road of a happily ever after chapter of your life. But it is not the way real life goes. We know that for sure.

As I try to endure some lonely days, I realized that sorting out thoughts can still be the toughest for me. I have to battle with myself first thing in the morning. Since I don’t have any clear agenda for a day aside from keep-yourself-inside-home-and-just-relax, my thoughts managed to become more overwhelming than ever. My emotions are just above me and it is draining the life out of me.

I cannot just muster myself into believing that everything will be fine again, that I am not in the middle of the state of depression. Being sick is something that makes me really sick in my head. I cannot just handle being weak because when I am physically down, I am really messed up, and I will (most of the time) long for someone to look after me. I may have a strong personality but when I’m sick, I am clingy, just like that.

I know people always have something to say. They all have their well wishes, the encouragement and all the love they have for me and I appreciate it all but today no one can completely understand this very heart of mine, now that I am by myself, alone and lonely.


Summer Heartache

Summer is up and the scorching heat of the sun is too much to handle. I can’t go out of the house.  I don’t want to, but there is something even more unbearable today.

I spent more minutes like the usual in the shower today. Drowned myself not into water but to my own tears. This I used to do when I was in college. I learned from a local celebrity that crying in the shower is better because it won’t puffed your eyes up and I found it to be true indeed, but not today. I think I may have cried too much without actually doing it simultaneously with the actual “shower.” I sat helplessly, sobbing until I completely lost it. I cried my heart out.

Depression, this word I will never associate with anything that I could ever feel, no matter how worse it is. I believe this word is nearly suicidal. One must be careful to use it. In the shower I asked myself, is this it? Depression? Am I in that phase? and I cried, I poured out my heart but not just to myself but to the One who understands this heart, beyond science and intelligence.

I will never be depressed. I will never be too sad that I will come to a point of committing crazy stuff that will end this precious life that I owe to my Maker. I feel sorry that I had to feel that way again but it’s always been a part of being human. You feel, you get over yourself, you move forward or get stuck.

Last week blew me away. I was too blessed and ecstatic about so much in life, with how God is so big in my life. It is as if  I can conquer everything because I am a child of an Almighty Father and there is no one like Him. I talked about His greatness like there’s no tomorrow. I even cried in awe of God’s beautiful creation and just how beautiful He is, everything about Him. I was lost for words but when Monday came, my world seemed to crash (again)

This traditional holy week is getting in to me. I am used to being inside my room by myself, I am that person but today I miss the sight of having my dad on the couch (who is currently enjoying the beautiful island of Vigan), playing with his Zuma app on his phone, my mom who can still be busy inside home doing household chores while my dad piss her jokingly. My sister and her family took off to the province too and me being single is staying home all day.

This what might have been a family week gives me a heartache, or maybe it just added pain to my pained heart. Why am I hurt on every side today? Let me try to break it down. I recently said no to a pursuit.  I thought I could finally commit again. I thought I was ready but I was not. I can’t get over the thought that someone is hurt because of me. Tuesday came and everything fell apart like pieces of domino. I needed my best friend but timing was totally out of hand. How could everything seems to be doing so great at one time and in one second be worse? Tell me about it.

This is the exact moment that I just want to be beside someone who knows me deeply and who would just simply be there as I break down into tears in silence, in the absence of words.

Today I feel sad but not depress. I feel lonely but not alone. I am hurt but this won’t be for long. This is just a day of a summer heartache.