These two words best fit what I am feeling now.
It has been 3 weeks of staying home and trying to get better. Being in and out of the hospital to see a doctor is tiring and depressing especially when things are not going well. This week I decided not to go. I opted to just stay at home and try to rest this body. You see, I can survive days of being locked up inside my own room, but not to do the usual things that I do? Oh it makes me feel alone and… now.., lonely.
I know that I can be alone but not lonely but this is where exactly I have found myself in. I may be getting better physically (I assume) but my heart is being torn down. In as much as I’d like to avoid the pollution from outside home, I can also sense it coming from inside my head. There’s just too much pollution all around me.
The worst part of being alone and lonely is that you tend to long for someone or something that nearly does not exist. You may start imagining scenes from a movie happening in your own life, like some kind of a hero will rescue you from your state of loneliness and all of a sudden you will be jumpy and free, and that this turn of event will actually lead you towards the road of a happily ever after chapter of your life. But it is not the way real life goes. We know that for sure.
As I try to endure some lonely days, I realized that sorting out thoughts can still be the toughest for me. I have to battle with myself first thing in the morning. Since I don’t have any clear agenda for a day aside from keep-yourself-inside-home-and-just-relax, my thoughts managed to become more overwhelming than ever. My emotions are just above me and it is draining the life out of me.
I cannot just muster myself into believing that everything will be fine again, that I am not in the middle of the state of depression. Being sick is something that makes me really sick in my head. I cannot just handle being weak because when I am physically down, I am really messed up, and I will (most of the time) long for someone to look after me. I may have a strong personality but when I’m sick, I am clingy, just like that.
I know people always have something to say. They all have their well wishes, the encouragement and all the love they have for me and I appreciate it all but today no one can completely understand this very heart of mine, now that I am by myself, alone and lonely.