Battle

Parking Lot

1271149375462_hz_fileserver1_761428

At 7:55 in the evening, while I am trying to calm my veins as they chill from the work space where I came from I am writing in the parking lot with absolute silence inside a car. All I can hear is the palpitation of my heart and the sound of the keys as I type.

I am panting as if I have a limited time to get everything off my chest. These excruciating thoughts of being in the place where I should have been instead of being parked in the middle of this silence. In this silence… yet my thoughts are unruly.  I am gasping for air to breathe.

Oh how I wish I could just leave all the mess the moment I leave this parking lot. If only I could park the negative thoughts and emotions within, right here at bay 3E and just move forward like I heard nothing, like nothing happened, like I never lost a battle, but truth hurts. It hurts more than anything. Yet it is actually freeing.

Can the world really be a better place if everyone were honest? Would it really make a difference? Maybe or maybe not. I tried to be one but I ended up being in a hollow, meddling with the wound of that one word that I now thought as the end of my trying-to-be-honest-at-all-times

I would keep quiet. I won’t say a word. I was caught off guard by that one word. That word that could have been the truth that I cannot just accept. I felt helpless. I thought I fainted to death.

Yet that truth will still hold true, I will come out strong from this struggle. I know that for sure. Avenge your child, Lord.

Avenge me from my own destructive self.
Avenge me from the real enemy.

Advertisements

Alone and Lonely

These two words best fit what I am feeling now.
It has been 3 weeks of staying home and trying to get better. Being in and out of the hospital to see a doctor is tiring and depressing especially when things are not going well. This week I decided not to go. I opted to just stay at home and try to rest this body. You see, I can survive days of being locked up inside my own room, but not to do the usual things that I do? Oh it makes me feel alone and… now.., lonely.

I know that I can be alone but not lonely but this is where exactly I have found myself in. I may be getting better physically (I assume) but my heart is being torn down. In as much as I’d like to avoid the pollution from outside home, I can also sense it coming from inside my head. There’s just too much pollution all around me.

The worst part of being alone and lonely is that you tend to long for someone or something that nearly does not exist. You may start imagining scenes from a movie happening in your own life, like some kind of a hero will rescue you from your state of loneliness and all of a sudden you will be jumpy and free, and that this turn of event will actually lead you towards the road of a happily ever after chapter of your life. But it is not the way real life goes. We know that for sure.

As I try to endure some lonely days, I realized that sorting out thoughts can still be the toughest for me. I have to battle with myself first thing in the morning. Since I don’t have any clear agenda for a day aside from keep-yourself-inside-home-and-just-relax, my thoughts managed to become more overwhelming than ever. My emotions are just above me and it is draining the life out of me.

I cannot just muster myself into believing that everything will be fine again, that I am not in the middle of the state of depression. Being sick is something that makes me really sick in my head. I cannot just handle being weak because when I am physically down, I am really messed up, and I will (most of the time) long for someone to look after me. I may have a strong personality but when I’m sick, I am clingy, just like that.

I know people always have something to say. They all have their well wishes, the encouragement and all the love they have for me and I appreciate it all but today no one can completely understand this very heart of mine, now that I am by myself, alone and lonely.

A Hand to Hold

Ever had that feeling when you are so down and all you ever wanted is to hold somebody’s hand? That feeling when you could not take it anymore and your hands being held by another is the only thing that can calm your nerves down? I had. I did.
The days have been rough and really tough. My heart does not get any better. I can feel it being smashed on every side and that is okay. Yes, it is just fine. One of the best things about being alive is that you are susceptible to being hurt, feeling the pain, and just completely broken into puzzle pieces.  It’s interesting how all these pieces can be put together again. Or maybe not for some.

I sat still that evening when I thought I did not have enough strength to cry any more. Oh how I wished that someone is beside me, not to lecture me about anything but to also sit still… and just be beside me. Do you get that feeling? I get that a lot these days. I was up until 2 in the morning. I cried myself to sleep. I know that I would feel better the next day.

Then the next day came. I was feeling better. I was. Until I had that feeling again. I sat on the floor, between two stuff from my bedroom. I wanted to feel that there is no space beside me that is needed to be filled by anyone. And then this feeling of wanting to hold somebody’s hand has become my only desire. Oh God, I needed a hand to hold, I thought to myself.

I cried. I prayed. I got up and took a shower. I needed to be okay. I had things to do and people to meet. I went through my day in a regular motion. Time passed so quickly that at night time I am still not yet done moving around and talking to people. Though I was delighted to meet all of them, I was so surprised that I still feel that desire to hold a hand.

Thankfully, I was able to take a long walk on our way home. I was with some of our church mates and then there was Roxanne. I walked with her. I badly wanted to ask her if I could hold her hand while walking but I started feeling awkward about it. I am never such that kind of person who will randomly let down of my guards and just be vulnerable in front of someone I am mentoring. After few walks, I started asking her if I could borrow her hand. She laughed. She thought I am going to pull something funny or crazy about it. I even told her my hands are kinda dirty but can I hold your hand anyway? After few exchange of words of trying to convince her that I am not going to do anything embarrassing, I held her hand. We held hands while walking, until we reach home.

I can’t even begin to explain to her why I wanted to hold her hand. I told her I will explain it here. (She is probably reading this now.) I actually do not what to explain in the first place, and I guess, this is just about it. I wanted a hand to hold to make me feel normal, or better than the normal. Did I feel better after last night? I tell you, solving problems for me does not come easy but solutions such as this one, Oh I feel so much better and inspired to get through another day, and the next to come.

Wait With Great Expectations

What a beautiful day to write again!

Last night, I heard that phrase from a businessman, “Wait with great expectations,” and I was all hyped to claim God’s promises as I wait on Him, as I wait on His perfect timing. Let’s do this Lord!

I am waiting, waiting for so many things to arrive and come my way, but the question is, am I waiting with expectations or am I just waiting in vain? I needed clear answers and I still do, crystal ones.

The problem with women like me is that we tend to over think, to wait impatiently, to complain about almost everything. Patience does not come easy and I guess that is pretty normal with us, you know, nature of women, but today I desire change. I want to wait, to wait with great expectations, to wait diligently, preserving beauty and grace.

I desire to have a family already but I do not want to compromise my heart to someone I am still unsure of. Can you blame me for being too protective of my heart? I mean, this is a one time, big time commitment that I cannot back down if in case it won’t work out. Though I don’t feel pressured about this, the desire to meet my husband-to-be, to love and be loved is becoming great these days (again, not out of pressure). I am happy with what I have and what I am now but human is still human. We are never contented, we always want something better, we always want to have and know more. At this point, the longings in my heart should be anchored to its Keeper.  I still do not want to to rush, there is no point in doing so.  I will not be impatient but one thing is for sure, I WILL WAIT WITH GREAT EXPECTATIONS. So help me God

Where Do I Begin (Again)?

Where

Where do I begin to write?  I ask myself today. To write or not to write at all. That has always been a clear point to me. I wonder how many times I typed a lengthy paragraph or a poem that is nearly done, then all of a sudden click CTRL+A, followed by the backspace or delete button. I am certain that I wasted a lot. Today I do have so much to say and share (again) but my mind is too cluttered with so much things that make me not know where to begin, and that is a dilemma, a major one,  I know for sure.

FOCUS. I think I lost it. I think I never had it. I always thought that multitasking gets many things done in a breeze. I used to do that. I am that. Little did I know that I was basking myself to a world of mediocrity. Yes, in mediocrity. People think that I have it all under control but I don’t. I lack focus. I lack discipline. Who knows about that? Just me, and now including you. 

There are things in my life that I’ve done that I am never proud of. Some habits. I could never take back any minute that has passed in my life but who else to blame, what else to do? We all live in the world of uncertainty and well, vanity, but past is done and can never be undone. I don’t live a life of regrets now. I have chosen to forgive. I have chosen to live. I have chosen to love myself, others. Yet past is a traitor. It creeps in sometimes, most of the time when things and thoughts are just idle. Oh how I wish I could just skip the moment. That moment when I am having this countless flashbacks of “what-could-have-happened-if-this-and-that” 

ACHIEVER. I cannot call myself that anymore. I settle for less in one area or another. It feels like things should be rushed and done with my own timetable, a timetable which I use to manage well but now? Idk. I know, I may sound like I’m exploiting myself to a possibility of dislikes from people who think I am all that, a super woman, someone worth looking up to, the people who are inspired in the way I live my life but this is me, telling the world that I am not perfect and never will become one, just graced with so much love and favor of an Almighty Father.

PASSION/MOTIVATION. What do I really want to do? What do I really want to achieve?  What do I really want to become? Is this the right time to ask myself these questions? Haven’t I asked myself these when I was still on my early 20s? I think I did. I think I knew, but maybe I have forgotten, maybe I want something else. I don’t know. Is this a normal thing that every nearly 30s woman will think and feel, when all of a sudden you find yourself missing out on big things? Tell me about it.

I think am finally seeing myself as a human, not a robot. I cannot do things in my own power, I don’t even possess one (without Jesus working in and through me, of course), so to speak. Oh God… God has always been waiting for me to just give up this kind of lifestyle that I live, a lifestyle of vanity sandwiched with the bitter taste of mediocrity and idleness. This has to stop. I don’t have all the time in the world. This has to change, today.

Where do I begin (again)?

A question of “where” that is not answerable by a certain place can be the hardest to figure out. -amd

Thoughts Management

In as much as I’d like to keep my schedule and tasks organized daily, I still fail and I think that is just okay (well, sometimes) but I really have to stay focus. No delays, no hesitations, no buts and ifs, no turning back. I have to get back in the game.

I am on my 3rd week of my discipline of thoughts and I can say that thoughts are the toughest to battle… especially when the heart stops cooperating. Managing of thoughts is one of the bravest steps that I could ever do in this lifetime.

I can be classified as a mellow-dramatic type of person. I thought of it as one of my weaknesses but that thought started to change when I started viewing it in a different light. I am grateful for my friends, for my true friends who really, truly know me to the core and appreciate me for who I am. There were times that I thought people will hate me for being who I am but I couldn’t be grateful enough to my Maker, for creating me exactly what He wants me to be.

Life is hard, I thought. But no matter how hard life is, it can still be beautiful. It’s a matter of perspective, really. Anyway, I’d like to tell you how I handled my thoughts during idle moments, at least five of what I have been trying my best to work on with.

 1. Beat that Habit! – I have this habit of not getting up at once in the morning. I always take a moment to think some thoughts through, remember what I have dreamt of during the night, try to organize my things-to-do for the whole day in my head, until I feel some of the emotions that I had to acknowledge and process. Hurtful moments can be the most distracting. They pin me to bed for not just few minutes but sometimes for forever. From then on, I’ll just realize that my morning is almost done, then that would make me accomplish less and not want to do anything anymore.

 Solution: Open the eyes wide, embrace the morning breeze, thank God for another day and hope for the best. If negative emotions and thoughts come crashing down, get up! I have my iPod on my bedside to keep me away from bed. The moment I start listening to music, I start moving and working out. If I am able to work out in the morning, that will hype me to work with all my heart, mind, and strength.

 2. Late Night Madness – I usually stay up late, watching tv series, movies, and some sort of stuff. For the past months, I had to deal with my wounded heart. I realized that night was the hardest part of the day when you’re trying to move forward. I couldn’t get myself to sleep even if I worked myself out the whole day. I usually have to cry myself to sleep.

Solution: I say this is the hardest but can be done. I started to stop overthinking and listening to my heart and mind for a little while. I listened to my body and started sleeping as early as possible. Thankfully, the earliest was 10 in the evening. That was a great step to begin with. My heart and mind, including my body started functioning well.

3. Music is My Soul – What you listen to can make or break you. I appreciate music, I love music. I can’t live without it, without singing and even playing any of the instruments I know. It is my life, my soul. Yet I have realized one thing, it can also be destructive sometimes especially when it starts piercing my soul to its bottom. I usually choose my playlist depending on what I feel and think about.

Solution: I refrained from listening to mellow and overly dramatic music, and with that I meant even the instrumentals. There were times that I had to quickly change it before my mind can figure out that I need to take in every beat, rhythm, and words in it. I know this may sound crazy but that is how it works for me. And no matter how hard it was, I was still able to enjoy listening to my alternative trying-to-get-better music. Christian Music I say is the best, classical is nutrients to the brain.

4. You are what you eat! – Balanced diet can be difficult for us. Most of us don’t really care if we are eating the right food at the right time especially when means are just at hand. My body system has always been unruly especially when I am in low moments. I used to eat a lot when I am going through tough times but just a year ago, I started losing weight because of not being able to eat on time, worse, not eating at all.

Solution: Since I get to sleep early, get up light the next day, work out, I will really have to have my breakfast. Since it is in the morning that I usually want to keep on moving, I set a 15-minute focused breakfast meal. I started disciplining myself by eating right at the right time, and at the right place, (not in bed but in the dining area). I usually eat lunch late but I put an effort now to eat on the dot! Dinner can be skipped sometimes but not all the time. I started to love eating bread in between meals but not much of it. Junk food abstinence is a must. I am still working on this.

5. Water your head! – If water can just wash away the negative thoughts, I will drown myself with it. There were countless of times that I told myself that I would drink not just enough water for the whole day but I always fail. My busy schedule has always been my excuse. I believed that I can accomplish more if I won’t have to keep on going to the restroom by avoiding too much water intake. I got it all wrong, right?

Solution: Not going out without a tumbler or a bottle of water is still something I am working on but when at home, I started drinking few glasses of water. Water never tasted as good as when I realized how this helps my brain and heart function well. I also resolved to drink pure coconut water for better rehydration. It calms my body system.

Life is hard and beautiful. Discipline and a right and positive perspective should be in one’s bag to carry in every moment.

Manage your thoughts before they start managing you.

Strength and Courage

(Written on my personal diary)

02-03-14, Monday
11:55 p.m.

I learned this from a pastor two weeks ago. Strength and Courage. Two simple words yet big in definition. Ptr. Herbie talked about Joshua. Upon the death of Moses, Joshua had to assume his leader’s position. The Lord encouraged Joshua, knowing that he needed it so badly. “Be strong and be courageous.” (Joshua 1: 6, 7, and 9). Over and over again, the Lord has told him to be strong and be very courageous, for the Lord knows that these two factors are very vital in every battle that they were about to face. Wow God, Wow!

Strength. This is what we need to start whatever it is that the Lord has asked us to do. This is applicable in every aspect in life. In every beginning, we need strength, strength that comes from the Lord, our only Source of everything.

Courage. It is what we need to finish what we have started. While being strong is good, it is not good enough. We still need to be courageous, to be very courageous. This is what it takes to have a strong finish or ending. We may have started strong but courage is our fuel to keep us going forward, to reach our goal, our finish line.

And tonight Lord, I draw strength from You. Fill me with it as  I try to start taking step towards this new phase in my life. I know that I am only good in the beginning of most of things that I do (well, sometimes…) and too coward to take it to the end, but at this point, I don’t want to listen to my limitations anymore. I would listen to my limitless God, my happy/joyful Ender of everything. Thank You Lord. Let’s do this!