A Woman Such As I am

12/08/15
9:09 a.m.

I am a woman and I am like no one
I am bestowed with a heart that breaks
That is able to rejuvenate on its own
Every season is an integral part
What I was and where I have been
They speak a lot of the kind of woman such as I am

I am a woman who takes courage
That can be the strongest warrior
While hiding a wounded soul
The best and worst spring out
From the depths of this being
Both resilient and fragile of a woman such as I am

I am a woman of an image that is strong
But can be vulnerable when it comes to love
I am a woman in need of love
With a heart that is passionate and brave
This love kept that is ever willing to give
The very core of a woman such as I am

I am a woman with special powers
One touch is warm and magical
My words can make or break a spirit
And I fight for anything and for everything
But if I fall, in that moment that I fall…
may I fall right into the arms
Of a man for a woman such as I am

I am a woman
And I am ready to love

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Our Memories Inside A Box

It has been a long overdue plan to de-clutter. I have so much stuff that I still keep for quite some time and some for longer years. I have finally started to clean-up once again.

I do have a problem everytime I try to sort out stuff that has to go. I will always find myself looking at one item for a longer period of time before I finally let it go or worse, still keep it. So today, I decided to stare less and just keep on bussing one item after another.

Most of the old stuff that I had to let go were my memories with you, the things that I have used and held on to for years. You knew exactly that I’d keep it, that I will treasure it like I will never have to leave it all behind.

I can’t believe that someone that you used to know very well will someday be almost like a stranger to you. I shut that thought in my system. It is just simply unacceptable but reality can sometimes slap you harder to wake you up so you can finally smell the reality of the art of letting go.

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Today I picked a memory, stared and recalled the moment when and how I got it. Then I started dissing it. Some of it will go to somebody, some are in the trash already, and a little of it, a bit of our memories inside a box.

I realized I still needed something to hold on to. I cannot hate you for turning your back on me anymore. I now understand. We both have moved forward and I am glad that it worked well for the both of us. I just pray that you will continue to find reasons to be happy every day. I still think about you. I will always do. Though our memories have started to fade, my heart will always find tiny bits of reason to care and love you.

You are about to leave and though I am already used not seeing you, the thought of you living miles away is different. It gives chills to my bones. I am still going to miss you. And with that, I decided to hold on to our memories in a box for a little longer. There’s no need to completely let go of it. You were once too special to me, we used to be inseparable, we were best friends and I can’t just shut you off my life. I have moved on but our You-and-I memories will run through my mind until my memory lane shut off and my heart finds no reason to beat anymore.

Life As We (Don’t) Know It

I don’t know everything about life, sometimes it seems nothing but an endless maze. You live once, struggle to survive, and the next thing you know, you’re done. What is existence after all and why does it matter if it will end anyway?

There will always be and ending to every beginning
A finish line to every starting point
An arrival to every departure

You see life has an endpoint of what most people are afraid to face, DEATH. Vanity, vanity, vanity, says Solomon in his songs of songs. Life is meaningless.

You win some, you lose some
You love, you hurt
You laugh and you cry

The world that we live in today is not getting any better. I can hardly imagine how the future of the children will look like 10 or 20 years from today. Everything has started to end.

What I am writing about seems pessimistic but Truth cannot be compromised. All good and even wicked things will eventually have to end and what really matters is to know where all these things lead to.

What is really at the end of every rainbow?
Is there really a pot of treasure?
What is behind the ending of every love story?
Is there really a happily-ever-after in real romance? 

What is there after death? Will a dead person really have to face Peter, holding his rooster before we enter God’s rest? Can we really see Jesus face to face? Do we get to heaven or to the scariest place called hell? Is there really another beginning to every ending when it comes to facing the inevitable oblivion?

There are still a lot more of questions like these and nothing or no one will have the answer if we don’t seek the Truth. It is easy to just believe about anything and everything that this world dictates but seeking the Truth is more than just believing. It is actually living it. Seeking God seems easy but it is not. It is like finding treasures in a rocky mountain. It pains, one has to struggle but the more your dependence on Him heightens, you will find Him walking with you. He will provide you with what you need, with much of His love, protection and presence. That’s how God is.

If you really want to find the treasure of knowing God personally, regardless of beliefs and other indifferences in human perspective, the first step is just to accept the Truth that there is no other way up to heaven but through Jesus. Open your heart and mind to receive Jesus as your Lord and Savior. Read His Word (The Truth), come to Him as you are. Nothing is more exciting than to walk through this life with purpose and knowing where you are going to.

Paralyzed

There were countless of times that I have to stare on a distant space before I can begin to write. Weird but it actually quiets my soul even when I am hearing the fleeting sound of a coffee grinder with the chuckles of people sitting near my writing space inside a coffee shop.

I was inside my room the other day listening to the sound of absolute silence. It confined my thoughts, every emotion that I was feeling (both known and unknown) and then I started feeling every heartbeat. I felt everything and yet I cannot move. I cannot keep my eyes from staring at my plain white wall. I cannot and do not want to move. All of a sudden, my kinetics were all put on a halt. Stationary.

P-A-R-A-L-Y-Z-E-D. This word popped up in my mind. Every letter seemed to move in a 3d like motion. Thoughts about it dawned on me and I started to remember a recent entry that was read to me by one of my disciple group members (Do blind people dream when they are asleep?) Yeah, have you ever wondered? I’ve always do. And how does this relate to anything that I am talking about? Because it made me wonder all the more.

How can a paralyzed person be able to express how he/she feels? How can a paralyze take action to achieve what he/she dreams of? How can someone be so numb to feel a slap, pain, caress, and of some sorts. How can this person be able to express his/her emotions, his/her happiness, sadness, or anger?

There are certain levels of paralysis and studying about it is too vast for me.  I have an aunt who has been battling with it for 13 years now. She never stayed out of bed. She rarely talk, and if she does, she can’t do it properly. I can’t even stand looking at her whenever I go visit my late lola’s (grandmother) house, but I still admire her strength. She endures to fight just to live.  With paralysis in my thoughts now, I am thinking of the most drastic scenario, being unable to move, talk, and unable to do anything at all, or nearly comatose.

I can’t start imagining myself being unable to speak and feel. I know that I am afraid to feel pain but nothing is more terrifying than NOT to feel pain. I can never accept anything that will disable me to write, to dance, jump, walk, laugh, cry, and feel and express that warmth of an embrace. I just can’t imagine not being able to reach out and not speak of God’s love and goodness to the lost and not being able to be the person God wants me to become. So, no.

My thoughts of paralysis led me to a sound afternoon nap. I realized I was dreaming while my eyes were still opened.

When I woke up, I am just grateful that I am not paralyzed and I can feel everything. Though my heart may still feel numb at some point, I will still never stop feeling joy, pain, warm hugs, and I even can endure an annoying punch (if there’ll be any).  I am human, very much alive, gifted to witness mornings, privileged to move, honored to worship and speak of God’s grandness, the One who has authored this gift called life that you and I are living now.

To Him be the glory!

The Longest Beginning with the Quickest Ending

I have prayed long enough for someone to arrive. I waited patiently and impatiently to finally let my heart love and be loved. I know everything falls on God’s perfect timing and so I waited and thankfully, He responded right on time.

I had my covenant with the Lord to only wait until I’m 30. (https://apolwrites.wordpress.com/2015/04/24/to-wait-and-stay-in-love/)

And He allowed me to be pursued, allowed me to feel loved, and I chose to love.

The pursuit lasted for almost a year. It’s quite a journey. Over the months I have learned more about myself. I realized what I wanted and what I do not. I tried to prepare my heart and mind for anything that can happen the moment I enter into a relationship. I was looking forward to be in the moment of the beauty of love, including the challenges that we are about to face as a couple.
And so I said yes. On my 30th birthday, I said yes. Timing was everything. It was not a perfect day but it is a beautiful one. Someone said that I shouldn’t have said yes on my birthday because it might be harder for me to move on just in case things won’t work out. I laughed it off. I never thought of the possible ending. I held on to the Truth that God has finally answered my prayer and there’s no way it is going to end.

Not anytime soon. Not anytime at all.

Yet today I am writing this two days passed our breakup.

He is my first boyfriend. I thought of him as my last. I thought of spending the rest of my life with him. We had plans but he had more. I am not sure if I can talk about the reasons why I decided to just end it in full length but at the moment, I am hurt that he is hurting.

There is just too much questions that I had to answer in my head and heart before I reached the decision but things are now crystal clear. This can still get difficult especially on days that I have to answer questions from our loved ones about it. I don’t want them to feel bad for us, especially for me. They know that I waited this long. Everyone seemed to be so happy for me when I had him.

But my heart is finally free again and though I still hurt at some point, surprisingly, I still feel joyful in waking up another day to love and serve my God and His people. Maybe, love can be defined in many different kind of ways, but sometimes it can be this plain yet incomprehensible. Always beautiful.

Wherever my heart leads me, as long as there is joy, peace, and love, I know I can keep myself together and continue to just love and be what God wants me to be and do what He wants me to do.

I have loved and that is the only thing that I know that will never end. Never. I will always love…

A Hand to Hold

Ever had that feeling when you are so down and all you ever wanted is to hold somebody’s hand? That feeling when you could not take it anymore and your hands being held by another is the only thing that can calm your nerves down? I had. I did.
The days have been rough and really tough. My heart does not get any better. I can feel it being smashed on every side and that is okay. Yes, it is just fine. One of the best things about being alive is that you are susceptible to being hurt, feeling the pain, and just completely broken into puzzle pieces.  It’s interesting how all these pieces can be put together again. Or maybe not for some.

I sat still that evening when I thought I did not have enough strength to cry any more. Oh how I wished that someone is beside me, not to lecture me about anything but to also sit still… and just be beside me. Do you get that feeling? I get that a lot these days. I was up until 2 in the morning. I cried myself to sleep. I know that I would feel better the next day.

Then the next day came. I was feeling better. I was. Until I had that feeling again. I sat on the floor, between two stuff from my bedroom. I wanted to feel that there is no space beside me that is needed to be filled by anyone. And then this feeling of wanting to hold somebody’s hand has become my only desire. Oh God, I needed a hand to hold, I thought to myself.

I cried. I prayed. I got up and took a shower. I needed to be okay. I had things to do and people to meet. I went through my day in a regular motion. Time passed so quickly that at night time I am still not yet done moving around and talking to people. Though I was delighted to meet all of them, I was so surprised that I still feel that desire to hold a hand.

Thankfully, I was able to take a long walk on our way home. I was with some of our church mates and then there was Roxanne. I walked with her. I badly wanted to ask her if I could hold her hand while walking but I started feeling awkward about it. I am never such that kind of person who will randomly let down of my guards and just be vulnerable in front of someone I am mentoring. After few walks, I started asking her if I could borrow her hand. She laughed. She thought I am going to pull something funny or crazy about it. I even told her my hands are kinda dirty but can I hold your hand anyway? After few exchange of words of trying to convince her that I am not going to do anything embarrassing, I held her hand. We held hands while walking, until we reach home.

I can’t even begin to explain to her why I wanted to hold her hand. I told her I will explain it here. (She is probably reading this now.) I actually do not what to explain in the first place, and I guess, this is just about it. I wanted a hand to hold to make me feel normal, or better than the normal. Did I feel better after last night? I tell you, solving problems for me does not come easy but solutions such as this one, Oh I feel so much better and inspired to get through another day, and the next to come.

Early Riser (on trying to be one, again)

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Woke up at 5:30 one humid morning. It was an hour earlier than my usual routine. I decided to get while staring blankly into a space. I never thought I could do it again until that Monday.

I used to be a late sleeper but always an early riser. No matter how late I stayed up for a night, I will still wake up at 6:00 or 6:30 the following day. I guess I have a well managed body clock when it comes to waking time. I do not always succeed whenever I try to sleep for some more minutes. I love mornings, but it does not necessarily mean I am always productive. I realize I still waste much of time, I have to admit. I lay on bed at least 30 minutes more, worse for 2 long hours, just being stagnant until I realize I am late for something.

I do not want to waste any of my waking moment anymore. I don’t want to miss out on the fresh revelation from God’s Word, the joy of conversing with a loving Father, the sight of my parents talking about everything over breakfast, and the perfect time to write, to keep on writing my prayer, thoughts, and to even doodle about anything.

Time passed like every tick of the clock is a waste. It has been two weeks since I started being an early riser again and I still fail miserably because of my schedule of activities for the past days, but this will not make me quit. I am an early riser. I know that by heart. I will be a better early riser.

Every waking moment is a gift. I do not want miss it.  No more excuses.