There were countless of times that I have to stare on a distant space before I can begin to write. Weird but it actually quiets my soul even when I am hearing the fleeting sound of a coffee grinder with the chuckles of people sitting near my writing space inside a coffee shop.
I was inside my room the other day listening to the sound of absolute silence. It confined my thoughts, every emotion that I was feeling (both known and unknown) and then I started feeling every heartbeat. I felt everything and yet I cannot move. I cannot keep my eyes from staring at my plain white wall. I cannot and do not want to move. All of a sudden, my kinetics were all put on a halt. Stationary.
P-A-R-A-L-Y-Z-E-D. This word popped up in my mind. Every letter seemed to move in a 3d like motion. Thoughts about it dawned on me and I started to remember a recent entry that was read to me by one of my disciple group members (Do blind people dream when they are asleep?) Yeah, have you ever wondered? I’ve always do. And how does this relate to anything that I am talking about? Because it made me wonder all the more.
How can a paralyzed person be able to express how he/she feels? How can a paralyze take action to achieve what he/she dreams of? How can someone be so numb to feel a slap, pain, caress, and of some sorts. How can this person be able to express his/her emotions, his/her happiness, sadness, or anger?
There are certain levels of paralysis and studying about it is too vast for me. I have an aunt who has been battling with it for 13 years now. She never stayed out of bed. She rarely talk, and if she does, she can’t do it properly. I can’t even stand looking at her whenever I go visit my late lola’s (grandmother) house, but I still admire her strength. She endures to fight just to live. With paralysis in my thoughts now, I am thinking of the most drastic scenario, being unable to move, talk, and unable to do anything at all, or nearly comatose.
I can’t start imagining myself being unable to speak and feel. I know that I am afraid to feel pain but nothing is more terrifying than NOT to feel pain. I can never accept anything that will disable me to write, to dance, jump, walk, laugh, cry, and feel and express that warmth of an embrace. I just can’t imagine not being able to reach out and not speak of God’s love and goodness to the lost and not being able to be the person God wants me to become. So, no.
My thoughts of paralysis led me to a sound afternoon nap. I realized I was dreaming while my eyes were still opened.
When I woke up, I am just grateful that I am not paralyzed and I can feel everything. Though my heart may still feel numb at some point, I will still never stop feeling joy, pain, warm hugs, and I even can endure an annoying punch (if there’ll be any). I am human, very much alive, gifted to witness mornings, privileged to move, honored to worship and speak of God’s grandness, the One who has authored this gift called life that you and I are living now.
To Him be the glory!