Life in a Box

Parking Lot

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At 7:55 in the evening, while I am trying to calm my veins as they chill from the work space where I came from I am writing in the parking lot with absolute silence inside a car. All I can hear is the palpitation of my heart and the sound of the keys as I type.

I am panting as if I have a limited time to get everything off my chest. These excruciating thoughts of being in the place where I should have been instead of being parked in the middle of this silence. In this silence… yet my thoughts are unruly.  I am gasping for air to breathe.

Oh how I wish I could just leave all the mess the moment I leave this parking lot. If only I could park the negative thoughts and emotions within, right here at bay 3E and just move forward like I heard nothing, like nothing happened, like I never lost a battle, but truth hurts. It hurts more than anything. Yet it is actually freeing.

Can the world really be a better place if everyone were honest? Would it really make a difference? Maybe or maybe not. I tried to be one but I ended up being in a hollow, meddling with the wound of that one word that I now thought as the end of my trying-to-be-honest-at-all-times

I would keep quiet. I won’t say a word. I was caught off guard by that one word. That word that could have been the truth that I cannot just accept. I felt helpless. I thought I fainted to death.

Yet that truth will still hold true, I will come out strong from this struggle. I know that for sure. Avenge your child, Lord.

Avenge me from my own destructive self.
Avenge me from the real enemy.

Free Your Mind

It is not about what you think right now.
It is not about what you feel.
It is not about how many words you can say.
It is not about the music you are listening to.
It is not about where you are right now.
It is not about your situation.
It is not about whom you love.
It is not about whom you hate.
It is not about when you are going to start.
It is not about when you are going to stop.
It is not about how many.
It is not about how much.

It is not even about you.
It is not about me.
It is not about us.

It is not about what the world dictates.
It is not about today.
It is not about the future.

It is about choices.
It is about the truth.

That no matter how we try to live best,
Freeing one’s mind from all the questions in this life
remains a challenge.

How do you free your mind?

Our Memories Inside A Box

It has been a long overdue plan to de-clutter. I have so much stuff that I still keep for quite some time and some for longer years. I have finally started to clean-up once again.

I do have a problem everytime I try to sort out stuff that has to go. I will always find myself looking at one item for a longer period of time before I finally let it go or worse, still keep it. So today, I decided to stare less and just keep on bussing one item after another.

Most of the old stuff that I had to let go were my memories with you, the things that I have used and held on to for years. You knew exactly that I’d keep it, that I will treasure it like I will never have to leave it all behind.

I can’t believe that someone that you used to know very well will someday be almost like a stranger to you. I shut that thought in my system. It is just simply unacceptable but reality can sometimes slap you harder to wake you up so you can finally smell the reality of the art of letting go.

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Today I picked a memory, stared and recalled the moment when and how I got it. Then I started dissing it. Some of it will go to somebody, some are in the trash already, and a little of it, a bit of our memories inside a box.

I realized I still needed something to hold on to. I cannot hate you for turning your back on me anymore. I now understand. We both have moved forward and I am glad that it worked well for the both of us. I just pray that you will continue to find reasons to be happy every day. I still think about you. I will always do. Though our memories have started to fade, my heart will always find tiny bits of reason to care and love you.

You are about to leave and though I am already used not seeing you, the thought of you living miles away is different. It gives chills to my bones. I am still going to miss you. And with that, I decided to hold on to our memories in a box for a little longer. There’s no need to completely let go of it. You were once too special to me, we used to be inseparable, we were best friends and I can’t just shut you off my life. I have moved on but our You-and-I memories will run through my mind until my memory lane shut off and my heart finds no reason to beat anymore.

Life As We (Don’t) Know It

I don’t know everything about life, sometimes it seems nothing but an endless maze. You live once, struggle to survive, and the next thing you know, you’re done. What is existence after all and why does it matter if it will end anyway?

There will always be and ending to every beginning
A finish line to every starting point
An arrival to every departure

You see life has an endpoint of what most people are afraid to face, DEATH. Vanity, vanity, vanity, says Solomon in his songs of songs. Life is meaningless.

You win some, you lose some
You love, you hurt
You laugh and you cry

The world that we live in today is not getting any better. I can hardly imagine how the future of the children will look like 10 or 20 years from today. Everything has started to end.

What I am writing about seems pessimistic but Truth cannot be compromised. All good and even wicked things will eventually have to end and what really matters is to know where all these things lead to.

What is really at the end of every rainbow?
Is there really a pot of treasure?
What is behind the ending of every love story?
Is there really a happily-ever-after in real romance? 

What is there after death? Will a dead person really have to face Peter, holding his rooster before we enter God’s rest? Can we really see Jesus face to face? Do we get to heaven or to the scariest place called hell? Is there really another beginning to every ending when it comes to facing the inevitable oblivion?

There are still a lot more of questions like these and nothing or no one will have the answer if we don’t seek the Truth. It is easy to just believe about anything and everything that this world dictates but seeking the Truth is more than just believing. It is actually living it. Seeking God seems easy but it is not. It is like finding treasures in a rocky mountain. It pains, one has to struggle but the more your dependence on Him heightens, you will find Him walking with you. He will provide you with what you need, with much of His love, protection and presence. That’s how God is.

If you really want to find the treasure of knowing God personally, regardless of beliefs and other indifferences in human perspective, the first step is just to accept the Truth that there is no other way up to heaven but through Jesus. Open your heart and mind to receive Jesus as your Lord and Savior. Read His Word (The Truth), come to Him as you are. Nothing is more exciting than to walk through this life with purpose and knowing where you are going to.

Moments of Silence

Few words and that’s it.

These days have been rough. I had to drop the words as it is, the way I want it meant, but not everyone was pleased about it. Many were offended and though I was a bit bothered about it, I just have to say it and own what I said. I am fed up of trying to filter what I have to say. I am tired of trying not to offend anyone. This time I have to speak the truth in love, even if it meant “tough love”

I used to not talk so much. I’ve always believed that words should always be carefully spoken. One of the reasons is that, I prefer to write my thoughts. I write to friends about anything. I let them get inside my world through handwritten letters, and I got them writing me back (special thanks to my friends who are not fond of writing yet made an effort to write for the love of friendship. ;)).

Over the years, I was forced to change. My nature of being silent and serene has slowly been torn apart. I had to speak my mind. I had to speak from my heart. Having the privilege of finishing two courses in college was something that helped me overcome my lack of confidence in speaking. I had to, even if I did not want to. Self-confinement was a friend to me.

My voice is something I was never proud of while growing up. I have a monotone type of voice which falls between the low key of c3 and c4. I hate it when people make fun of me because of my voice. I may have appeared that I do not care much but there are times it was all I could ever think of. It lessened my confidence over the past years. But with changing times, I have learned to adapt and love my own. My childhood days were smooth outwardly. I am a typical quiet-yet-knows-how-to-have-fun around friends, a girl who will keep her mouth shut around the conversations of other people even if I have something important to say but that too started to drift to its different course.

Walls of silence started to break when I became full time in the ministry. Without so much knowledge on how to handle small groups, how to speak in front of the congregation, and everything that is related to speaking, I have learned to slowly speak my mind out and just say the words as fluid as I possibly can. I did it! I was able to relate with people without having to write my thoughts first. I was too grateful already even if at the back of my mind, I know this is still less of a better version of me. I still lose confidence once in a while.

But words are words. They can be taken lightly or otherwise. I get it. My voice stays this way no matter how much I try (believe me, I tried to change. Hahaha) but nothing is more comforting than to just accept it and be grateful. There were too many times that I was mistakenly addressed as a man because of my voice over the phone. I do get offended but I just have to laugh it off. To make the matter worse, I also have a gift of having a beautiful “poker face” Do I really have to say beautiful? Yes, that’s my take. People often mistakenly accuse me of being emotionless, heartless, harsh or even unhappy because of my combined power of monotonic voice and plain facial expression. Need I explain more? God, I am so tired of doing so.

People are sure amazed on how I lead, speak and relate to other people. My life surrendered full time in the ministry for 6 years now seems astounding to many. I know about this because they tell me. My father, who is also my pastor has always been proud of me. I am blessed that he is what/who he is. But not everyone knows where I am really coming from, the depths of what I am made of and who I really am. I have friends/sisters who know me from inside out but there is always something to keep, something that stays within the borders of my heart. I bet everyone has that.

It is tiring to trust. To open up myself to somebody who is new in my life is something that will require best effort from me. I started to get used to meeting new faces and being socially acquainted to a lot of them but that does not mean I am in the business of really delving in their personal life and allowing them to be in mine likewise. I read about articles about “things that only nearly-30’s people do and understand” One of them is the fact that this is the age where you decide who to keep and let go in your life. I guess I am in that phase and I am surely being careful.

I am not trying to be boring with my own life. I am actually relearning to trust my own convictions, to be familiar once again with my very nature, that serene and soft-spoken-yet-full-of-life-and-encouragement kind of person that I am. There is so much that I love in life, even the struggles, the turnaround events and changes in my own life but there is this one thing that I want to be and have once again.

The tranquillity and the beauty of staying at peace in this kind of moments of silence.

Where Do I Begin (Again)?

Where

Where do I begin to write?  I ask myself today. To write or not to write at all. That has always been a clear point to me. I wonder how many times I typed a lengthy paragraph or a poem that is nearly done, then all of a sudden click CTRL+A, followed by the backspace or delete button. I am certain that I wasted a lot. Today I do have so much to say and share (again) but my mind is too cluttered with so much things that make me not know where to begin, and that is a dilemma, a major one,  I know for sure.

FOCUS. I think I lost it. I think I never had it. I always thought that multitasking gets many things done in a breeze. I used to do that. I am that. Little did I know that I was basking myself to a world of mediocrity. Yes, in mediocrity. People think that I have it all under control but I don’t. I lack focus. I lack discipline. Who knows about that? Just me, and now including you. 

There are things in my life that I’ve done that I am never proud of. Some habits. I could never take back any minute that has passed in my life but who else to blame, what else to do? We all live in the world of uncertainty and well, vanity, but past is done and can never be undone. I don’t live a life of regrets now. I have chosen to forgive. I have chosen to live. I have chosen to love myself, others. Yet past is a traitor. It creeps in sometimes, most of the time when things and thoughts are just idle. Oh how I wish I could just skip the moment. That moment when I am having this countless flashbacks of “what-could-have-happened-if-this-and-that” 

ACHIEVER. I cannot call myself that anymore. I settle for less in one area or another. It feels like things should be rushed and done with my own timetable, a timetable which I use to manage well but now? Idk. I know, I may sound like I’m exploiting myself to a possibility of dislikes from people who think I am all that, a super woman, someone worth looking up to, the people who are inspired in the way I live my life but this is me, telling the world that I am not perfect and never will become one, just graced with so much love and favor of an Almighty Father.

PASSION/MOTIVATION. What do I really want to do? What do I really want to achieve?  What do I really want to become? Is this the right time to ask myself these questions? Haven’t I asked myself these when I was still on my early 20s? I think I did. I think I knew, but maybe I have forgotten, maybe I want something else. I don’t know. Is this a normal thing that every nearly 30s woman will think and feel, when all of a sudden you find yourself missing out on big things? Tell me about it.

I think am finally seeing myself as a human, not a robot. I cannot do things in my own power, I don’t even possess one (without Jesus working in and through me, of course), so to speak. Oh God… God has always been waiting for me to just give up this kind of lifestyle that I live, a lifestyle of vanity sandwiched with the bitter taste of mediocrity and idleness. This has to stop. I don’t have all the time in the world. This has to change, today.

Where do I begin (again)?

A question of “where” that is not answerable by a certain place can be the hardest to figure out. -amd

Loving and Losing

Loving and Losing
Written on my iPad  (Jan. 26, 2015 8:15 a.m.)
Towerville, SJDM, Bulacan, PH

Dogs are man’s best friend. And so they say. I am never fond of taking care of dogs but it doesn’t mean I cannot appreciate any. Just by merely looking at some cute puppies, of different breed, and sizes, rays of joy can invade my heart for them.

I’m too afraid to touch, to go near them, to get, bitten, and too afraid to love them.

Today at around 7 in the morning my best friend (who is an actual person by the way. :)) told me about the passing of her dog, Prince. I had this moments with Prince last November at their home. He was still a puppy back then, too small, full of energy, and with that I mean he climbed to me several times. You could just imagine how scared I was but of course, I tried to stay calm and beat the fear out of me by trying to touch him and voilà! he scratched my legs. Good thing, he was still a puppy and his nails are still tolerable. He was all over the place, jumpy and noisy, and oh, but I must say, he is kinda cute to look at.

I saw him again just recently and he was not as cute as he was. He has become bigger and has less energy (I think). He was not jumpy and noisy anymore. I could have been more scared of him but I wasn’t. He did not bark on me after all, and that’s a good thing. But today he’s definitely not going to be anything like what I have in mind. He’s gone.

Last night she told me that Prince has not eaten anything for the past 2 days. I thought he could be better by today. They were to bring him to a vet but he died beforehand, leaving my best friend brokenhearted. How I wish I have the right words to say but I don’t. It’s a loss and I may not be as friendly and loving as she is to pets (She has a lot by the way), I feel for her. I wish i could just be beside her, be speechless, and just hug her once in a while.

With what happened, I came to realize that the major reason why I am afraid to take care of pets is that, their span of life is very limited and can be too unpredictable. Loving and losing intertwines in so many aspects of human life and it kicks hard sometimes, especially the losing part. Therefore, I can’t just allow myself to commit to something that is temporary such as taking care of pets.

I would have wanted to have a pet but to lose a life? ain’t ready for that.