Expression of the Heart

From Afar

Few inches away from you and I stare closely from where I sat
I don’t know why but I see a future as bright as my hope in Christ
Even if it is crystal clear that somebody else has already captured your heart

Now here’s what I do
Here’s what I have
To put my hurt aside
and just love you from afar

Love is patient, love is kind
even chances are you can never be mine
Love does not envy, love does not boast
It’s bittersweet but I’d just have to let you go
But I know that love also hopes and it endures
and so I wait and just love you from afar

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To The One I love

To the One I love
7:50 a.m.

Everyday I get the chance to be a witness
Of the beauty of Your miracles
I get to breathe new life and
Share another smile with another

Everyday I get to be grateful
Of both great and greatest beginnings
For the things that I can and cannot do
Oh this heart, it can only trust in You

Everyday I get the chance to be resilient
Of a strength that is renewed to that of an eagle
I get to run to You to restore my vigor
Seemingly able to run a day without limits

Everyday I get the chance to keep fighting
Of the life I chose to live
To give glory to the One who is my everything
This purpose in life You have planned for me

Parking Lot

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At 7:55 in the evening, while I am trying to calm my veins as they chill from the work space where I came from I am writing in the parking lot with absolute silence inside a car. All I can hear is the palpitation of my heart and the sound of the keys as I type.

I am panting as if I have a limited time to get everything off my chest. These excruciating thoughts of being in the place where I should have been instead of being parked in the middle of this silence. In this silence… yet my thoughts are unruly.  I am gasping for air to breathe.

Oh how I wish I could just leave all the mess the moment I leave this parking lot. If only I could park the negative thoughts and emotions within, right here at bay 3E and just move forward like I heard nothing, like nothing happened, like I never lost a battle, but truth hurts. It hurts more than anything. Yet it is actually freeing.

Can the world really be a better place if everyone were honest? Would it really make a difference? Maybe or maybe not. I tried to be one but I ended up being in a hollow, meddling with the wound of that one word that I now thought as the end of my trying-to-be-honest-at-all-times

I would keep quiet. I won’t say a word. I was caught off guard by that one word. That word that could have been the truth that I cannot just accept. I felt helpless. I thought I fainted to death.

Yet that truth will still hold true, I will come out strong from this struggle. I know that for sure. Avenge your child, Lord.

Avenge me from my own destructive self.
Avenge me from the real enemy.

Do Not Lose Yourself

DSC_0294You can love without limits without losing yourself. -myself

I had many relationships that worked and didn’t from the past and they somehow shaped who I am now, at least that’s what I thought, and not that I am just speaking about the “romantic” kind of love that we know. I’ve always believed that there’s just too much love that a person can give to another, to others, to this world. They say love makes the world go ‘round. I knew that. I have always believed but…

…there’s just too much definition attached to the word “love” these days. I can’t even begin to think how pure, authentic, and unconditional true love can still be in the generation that you and I are in now. I myself used to believe that my heart is always filled with love, that I am always at my best when it comes to loving anyone. A loyal and trusted friend who can be there right on, just about the second I am needed by the person I love, I thought that to be one of my strengths in love until I realized that at some point, even if I didn’t want to, I still may have lost myself in some of my relationships because I thought love always demands more, the best of what I am and even what I am not.

And so we thought this is love, when you get to be the most present in all circumstances, the most understanding friend who can be too patient even if it means going out of your way just to be there, the most generous when you’re giving more than the other, the most forgiving when you are the first person to say “I’m sorry,” and someone who forgives like nothing wrong ever happened. But tell me now, is it still the right kind of love when you choose to stay even if the other person is making you feel that you’re not good enough for anyone or you do not amount to anything? Is it still love when you are holding on to somebody who had learned to let you go while you are still hoping to make things better? I wonder what happens to love when you reach the point when even your body could not take any beating of that person you thought means the whole world to you.

I have loved. I had my heart broken (for several times, yes). I have listened to a handful of stories of love and heartbreak. I even have encountered this love that Jesus offered (if we could only love the way He does…). I know what love is, but to fully understand it? I now think of it is a never-ending journey, realizing this one thing: yes, love can sometimes demand more but it does not necessarily requires giving more than who you are and what you can give.

With every heartbreak, you may have thought that you cannot love again the same way you did. Maybe, and eventually you will see yourself outgrowing your other good-to-be-true definition of love. You will grow and learn and unlearn things from your ex(s) and experiences but please do not allow yourself to accept the lies in your head, lies that will make you believe that you have lost yourself in love. Remember, you are not called as “individual” without a reason. You are you. You are still you. You just became stronger, a better version this time. You don’t lose yourself in love. You just find you.

No matter how much pain you have encountered, your heart will never run dry of love, you will still long for it because that is how we are built, for love and to love. So don’t be afraid, have the courage to take risk. Just love and be loved. Sadly, some relationships will expire, even people do expire and oh it will hurt to see some people go but you already know that there are those who will stay but first thing’s first, believe that you still, and will always have yourself, the stronger you.

Love is a beautiful thing. It brings good things. It gives life. If you find it to be otherwise, then get out of that relationship, run away from people who are only holding you back from being the best person that you can become and start having a good relationship with yourself first. After all, finding yourself to begin with, may be the best decision there is yet, for now.

Alone and Lonely

These two words best fit what I am feeling now.
It has been 3 weeks of staying home and trying to get better. Being in and out of the hospital to see a doctor is tiring and depressing especially when things are not going well. This week I decided not to go. I opted to just stay at home and try to rest this body. You see, I can survive days of being locked up inside my own room, but not to do the usual things that I do? Oh it makes me feel alone and… now.., lonely.

I know that I can be alone but not lonely but this is where exactly I have found myself in. I may be getting better physically (I assume) but my heart is being torn down. In as much as I’d like to avoid the pollution from outside home, I can also sense it coming from inside my head. There’s just too much pollution all around me.

The worst part of being alone and lonely is that you tend to long for someone or something that nearly does not exist. You may start imagining scenes from a movie happening in your own life, like some kind of a hero will rescue you from your state of loneliness and all of a sudden you will be jumpy and free, and that this turn of event will actually lead you towards the road of a happily ever after chapter of your life. But it is not the way real life goes. We know that for sure.

As I try to endure some lonely days, I realized that sorting out thoughts can still be the toughest for me. I have to battle with myself first thing in the morning. Since I don’t have any clear agenda for a day aside from keep-yourself-inside-home-and-just-relax, my thoughts managed to become more overwhelming than ever. My emotions are just above me and it is draining the life out of me.

I cannot just muster myself into believing that everything will be fine again, that I am not in the middle of the state of depression. Being sick is something that makes me really sick in my head. I cannot just handle being weak because when I am physically down, I am really messed up, and I will (most of the time) long for someone to look after me. I may have a strong personality but when I’m sick, I am clingy, just like that.

I know people always have something to say. They all have their well wishes, the encouragement and all the love they have for me and I appreciate it all but today no one can completely understand this very heart of mine, now that I am by myself, alone and lonely.

A Woman Such As I am

12/08/15
9:09 a.m.

I am a woman and I am like no one
I am bestowed with a heart that breaks
That is able to rejuvenate on its own
Every season is an integral part
What I was and where I have been
They speak a lot of the kind of woman such as I am

I am a woman who takes courage
That can be the strongest warrior
While hiding a wounded soul
The best and worst spring out
From the depths of this being
Both resilient and fragile of a woman such as I am

I am a woman of an image that is strong
But can be vulnerable when it comes to love
I am a woman in need of love
With a heart that is passionate and brave
This love kept that is ever willing to give
The very core of a woman such as I am

I am a woman with special powers
One touch is warm and magical
My words can make or break a spirit
And I fight for anything and for everything
But if I fall, in that moment that I fall…
may I fall right into the arms
Of a man for a woman such as I am

I am a woman
And I am ready to love

The Longest Beginning with the Quickest Ending

I have prayed long enough for someone to arrive. I waited patiently and impatiently to finally let my heart love and be loved. I know everything falls on God’s perfect timing and so I waited and thankfully, He responded right on time.

I had my covenant with the Lord to only wait until I’m 30. (https://apolwrites.wordpress.com/2015/04/24/to-wait-and-stay-in-love/)

And He allowed me to be pursued, allowed me to feel loved, and I chose to love.

The pursuit lasted for almost a year. It’s quite a journey. Over the months I have learned more about myself. I realized what I wanted and what I do not. I tried to prepare my heart and mind for anything that can happen the moment I enter into a relationship. I was looking forward to be in the moment of the beauty of love, including the challenges that we are about to face as a couple.
And so I said yes. On my 30th birthday, I said yes. Timing was everything. It was not a perfect day but it is a beautiful one. Someone said that I shouldn’t have said yes on my birthday because it might be harder for me to move on just in case things won’t work out. I laughed it off. I never thought of the possible ending. I held on to the Truth that God has finally answered my prayer and there’s no way it is going to end.

Not anytime soon. Not anytime at all.

Yet today I am writing this two days passed our breakup.

He is my first boyfriend. I thought of him as my last. I thought of spending the rest of my life with him. We had plans but he had more. I am not sure if I can talk about the reasons why I decided to just end it in full length but at the moment, I am hurt that he is hurting.

There is just too much questions that I had to answer in my head and heart before I reached the decision but things are now crystal clear. This can still get difficult especially on days that I have to answer questions from our loved ones about it. I don’t want them to feel bad for us, especially for me. They know that I waited this long. Everyone seemed to be so happy for me when I had him.

But my heart is finally free again and though I still hurt at some point, surprisingly, I still feel joyful in waking up another day to love and serve my God and His people. Maybe, love can be defined in many different kind of ways, but sometimes it can be this plain yet incomprehensible. Always beautiful.

Wherever my heart leads me, as long as there is joy, peace, and love, I know I can keep myself together and continue to just love and be what God wants me to be and do what He wants me to do.

I have loved and that is the only thing that I know that will never end. Never. I will always love…