Where Do I Begin (Again)?


Where do I begin to write?  I ask myself today. To write or not to write at all. That has always been a clear point to me. I wonder how many times I typed a lengthy paragraph or a poem that is nearly done, then all of a sudden click CTRL+A, followed by the backspace or delete button. I am certain that I wasted a lot. Today I do have so much to say and share (again) but my mind is too cluttered with so much things that make me not know where to begin, and that is a dilemma, a major one,  I know for sure.

FOCUS. I think I lost it. I think I never had it. I always thought that multitasking gets many things done in a breeze. I used to do that. I am that. Little did I know that I was basking myself to a world of mediocrity. Yes, in mediocrity. People think that I have it all under control but I don’t. I lack focus. I lack discipline. Who knows about that? Just me, and now including you. 

There are things in my life that I’ve done that I am never proud of. Some habits. I could never take back any minute that has passed in my life but who else to blame, what else to do? We all live in the world of uncertainty and well, vanity, but past is done and can never be undone. I don’t live a life of regrets now. I have chosen to forgive. I have chosen to live. I have chosen to love myself, others. Yet past is a traitor. It creeps in sometimes, most of the time when things and thoughts are just idle. Oh how I wish I could just skip the moment. That moment when I am having this countless flashbacks of “what-could-have-happened-if-this-and-that” 

ACHIEVER. I cannot call myself that anymore. I settle for less in one area or another. It feels like things should be rushed and done with my own timetable, a timetable which I use to manage well but now? Idk. I know, I may sound like I’m exploiting myself to a possibility of dislikes from people who think I am all that, a super woman, someone worth looking up to, the people who are inspired in the way I live my life but this is me, telling the world that I am not perfect and never will become one, just graced with so much love and favor of an Almighty Father.

PASSION/MOTIVATION. What do I really want to do? What do I really want to achieve?  What do I really want to become? Is this the right time to ask myself these questions? Haven’t I asked myself these when I was still on my early 20s? I think I did. I think I knew, but maybe I have forgotten, maybe I want something else. I don’t know. Is this a normal thing that every nearly 30s woman will think and feel, when all of a sudden you find yourself missing out on big things? Tell me about it.

I think am finally seeing myself as a human, not a robot. I cannot do things in my own power, I don’t even possess one (without Jesus working in and through me, of course), so to speak. Oh God… God has always been waiting for me to just give up this kind of lifestyle that I live, a lifestyle of vanity sandwiched with the bitter taste of mediocrity and idleness. This has to stop. I don’t have all the time in the world. This has to change, today.

Where do I begin (again)?

A question of “where” that is not answerable by a certain place can be the hardest to figure out. -amd


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